kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

[Hey, guess what? A certain someone's birthday is in a week. Which is not necessarily a big deal to Billy, but after some not-so-subtle interrogating, he was able to determine that it's also Tommy's birthday. He should've guessed it, considering they're twins and all, but they're also mystical soul-transferred/reincarnated/whatever twins, so. You never know with that kind of relationship.

The fact that they share the birthday as well as the soul-parents gets Billy thinking - about his home life versus Tommy's, about their families and their upbringing. About how Tommy so casually shrugs off the idea of trading the Shepherd name for the Maximoff one, when Billy can't even think about doing such a thing. It speaks volumes about what Tommy's home life must have been like.

It sparks to life an idea in his mind, and the more he thinks about it, the more he likes it. But with how the last couple of birthdays have gone, he knows that he can't just decide on his own. After several days of very seriously mulling over his options, Billy finally goes looking for Teddy at home to talk it over.]

[Billy's birthday is a pretty big deal to Teddy, seeing how it means that his boyfriend will be eighteen like him. There's something about someone else reaching a milestone age rather than you yourself, and aside from that, it means they'll both be officially sort of adults. So maybe they won't be looked down at so much if Billy accepts his proposal, which is actually what Teddy's working on now, though he doesn't have the ring he's planning on yet.

Right now, he's in his own room, trying to write out how he'd like for it to go down. He's already thrown away several drafts, from a location to the speech he'd like to say, and is mulling over what to do next. Setting up the Battledome to go visit a place in New York City? Maybe... but it might make them miss home too much, and the whole thing would be bittersweet rather than happy. That wouldn't work...

Obviously, his mind is pretty far from birthdays when he hears Billy looking for him. He quickly crumples up the current idea and throws it in the trashcan with the others, then turns in his chair to greet him at the door.]

Hey. What's up?

Hi.

[Billy offers a faint smile when Teddy opens the door, leaning in to give him a quick kiss on the lips, then taking his hand and leading him back in to sit down. In part because he already feels guilty for wrecking whatever plans Teddy might have come up with, and in part because he hates doorway conversations. Or at least ones where they're both at the door. Seats are for sitting, doors are for... whatever.

Anyway.]

So... this is going to come out as really self-serving, but there's no other way to say it. Have you come up with what we were going to do for my birthday already?

[Teddy sits obediently, though he takes a quick glance at his papers before giving Billy his attention. Okay, nothing there to suggest anything... forevery or life-changingery, so he's good.]

Uh. I got a couple things in mind, but other than that? Why?

[Yeah, he figured. Teddy's like that.]

Would it totally wreck those plans to, um, postpone them for a couple of days? Or even just one. I think.

[He's not sure how much of an aftermath this idea of his might have.]

[Postpone birthday plans from the day of his birthday? Teddy isn't sure if he can go the whole day without doing anything for Billy, but...]

Nnno, not really... Why? Got something planned?

Not yet, no. But I'm thinking about it.

[He fidgets a bit, because he really has no idea how this will go.]

Did you know that Tommy and I have the same birthday?

[He blinks at that, head tilting slightly as he takes that in.]

... You know, I actually didn't, but I probably should've guessed that you did. [Color him not surprised in the slightest.]

Yeah, I kind of felt like that myself.

[They're twins, but not the conventional sort... but even so, it makes sense.]

Anyway, I was thinking... he never talks about it, but I know the last couple of years have been really rough for one reason or another.

[His family ditching him, juvie, all the crap the Young Avengers have gone through. And that's not even considering what his home life was like.]

What if we threw a surprise party?

[Tommy might keep it all hidden, but for Teddy, it's pretty easy to tell that something in his life wasn't all that great. And considering how the guy never really wants to visit, or even mention his family, he can guess at least one of the sources of it.]

On the same day as yours? [He likes the idea. Likes it a lot, actually.]

That was the idea, yeah.

[He's hesitant, still gauging Teddy's reaction.]

Would you mind? I mean, I won't do it if you'd rather just us hang out. I know Tommy can be... himself.

[That is, grating and inappropriate sometimes. And not romantic at all.]

[Teddy thinks about it for just a second, then smiles, showing his approval.]

Well, I mean, I do want to hang out and give you what I had planned. But maybe we can do it the day after. Throwing Tommy a surprise party is a great idea; maybe I can make a cake for the both of you or something. [He's already trying to come up with a theme - twins, twins...]

[That response makes Billy brighten and relax immediately, leaning in to kiss Teddy briefly to show his appreciation.]

You're the best. And we can definitely hang out after, promise. I just really... I'd like to do this. I talk a lot about being brothers but I don't do much about it.

[He wants to stay smiling, he does, but... there it is again.

Rather, there's the absence of it again. Teddy's noticed it for a while now, and he'd left it alone, not wanting to bother Billy about it, make him uncomfortable, or get him upset. But the little hesitation, the struggle when he tries to find another word - he's gotten better about it, but Teddy still hates to see it. He shouldn't have to keep punishing himself over this.

So, he does keep up the smile enough to get out what Billy wants to hear.]

This'll definitely land you a Best Brother medal. Though Tommy would probably never admit it in his life.

[... Then he looks more serious as he gets to what Billy doesn't want to hear.]

... Billy, could you do something for me?

[The serious expression Teddy's suddenly wearing knocks the wind out of Billy's sails a bit, but he's concerned and curious, first and foremost.]

If I can, sure. What is it?

[Teddy wrings his hands together, eyes on the floor. He doesn't want to do this, he really doesn't, and he wishes he had more time to psych himself up.

But, well. Too late now. He shuts his eyes, lets out a long breath, then looks at Billy with a carefully blank face.]

Could you say that again? "I want to do this"?

[....Ah.

Billy's face falls, and he looks down, suddenly unable to meet Teddy's eyes. That explains the seriousness, now.]

That isn't... what I said.

But it's what you were going to say, right?

[He leans forward, keeping his hands to himself despite how much he'd like to reach out and tip Billy's chin up. He knows that his resolve to keep himself a wall like this ends up crumbling a little when there's touching involved.]

Why not say it, then?

[It takes an immense amount of willpower not to shrink back as Teddy leans in- not out of fear, obviously, not of Teddy, but of shame. He fights it, stubbornly, because he knows that he's come a long way from feeling like he doesn't deserve Teddy, that he's dangerous to be around or to touch. Talking about it makes him feel a little like all of that could so easily come back to him, so he keeps a distance between them to avoid testing his own resolve. The last thing he needs is to give Teddy the wrong impression when he already knows this is going to go badly.]

You... know that I can't do that.

[You know why.]

[Teddy shuts his eyes and lets out a slow breath. "I can't do that", but is that really the case here?]

I don't think so. You've said you wanted things before and nothing happened. What's stopping you now?

[He doesn't mean to stress certain parts of it, he really doesn't. So he opens his eyes again, hoping to smooth that tone over.]

Sorry... I just hate seeing you struggle over it so much. You know that.

I didn't used to hurt people when I did that. I didn't change people's lives against their will, or force them to feel or remember things differently. I didn't use it to create things that shouldn't exist.

[He says it all with bitterness and that familiar old guilt in his tone. He's not over all of that. Maybe he never will be. It's a heavy weight, the knowledge that he'd done so much damage on a whim.]

I'm struggling because I'm trying to protect people. I just didn't know it would be this hard, that's all.

Look, I - [He cuts himself off, because just about the worst thing you can say to someone suffering like this is "I know how you feel". So Teddy shuts his eyes, takes a breath, and tries again.]

This isn't protecting people, Bee. Do you know how much people use that word? It's like stopping yourself from saying "I"! It's not doing anything but making it hard on you!

[He was hoping Billy would realize how much life sucked without saying "want" and go back to it. But after this long...]

[He does know, actually. He knows exactly how much people say it. He hears it plenty, and he purposely dodges around it in conversation all the time. And it's hard. It's been three months and it's still always hard.]

Maybe... it's supposed to be hard.

[He knows that isn't what Teddy wants to hear, but it's the truth. If this is his way of punishing himself, then he got off pretty easy, didn't he? Just... cut a word or two out of his vocabulary. Why is that such a terrible thing?]

... No - Okay, Billy? Yes, that happened. But you're holding yourself back from so much, and you think you deserve it! But you don't! You're just - You're going around punishing yourself and not moving forward at all!

[Briefly, Teddy holds his forearm and turns his head away - He hates arguing, he hates shaking up what they've got. But he needs him to understand, and so he makes himself look at him again.]

You're so scared of yourself that it breaks my heart! We already know it wasn't your fault, so why are you keeping this up?! What's stopping you from picking yourself up and saying a word?!

[What's stopping him. As if the answer to that couldn't be answered a hundred different ways. Is it the magic? The spell he'd cast? The feeling of being lost in his own head for weeks? Of letting the people around him wait and suffer and not know what happened to them?

What about the memory of Teddy being strangled, nearly killed, by the magical construct that he'd created? Is that enough to justify inconveniencing himself by not saying a word that terrifies him?

Something in him snaps, a frustration that's been building within him for, apparently, a long time. Not with Teddy, or even the argument they're having, but with himself. His own weakness. His fear, as Teddy had so rightly put it.]

What's stopping me is the fact that people get hurt when I want something, Teddy!!

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