kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

[He blinks at that, head tilting slightly as he takes that in.]

... You know, I actually didn't, but I probably should've guessed that you did. [Color him not surprised in the slightest.]

Yeah, I kind of felt like that myself.

[They're twins, but not the conventional sort... but even so, it makes sense.]

Anyway, I was thinking... he never talks about it, but I know the last couple of years have been really rough for one reason or another.

[His family ditching him, juvie, all the crap the Young Avengers have gone through. And that's not even considering what his home life was like.]

What if we threw a surprise party?

[Tommy might keep it all hidden, but for Teddy, it's pretty easy to tell that something in his life wasn't all that great. And considering how the guy never really wants to visit, or even mention his family, he can guess at least one of the sources of it.]

On the same day as yours? [He likes the idea. Likes it a lot, actually.]

That was the idea, yeah.

[He's hesitant, still gauging Teddy's reaction.]

Would you mind? I mean, I won't do it if you'd rather just us hang out. I know Tommy can be... himself.

[That is, grating and inappropriate sometimes. And not romantic at all.]

[Teddy thinks about it for just a second, then smiles, showing his approval.]

Well, I mean, I do want to hang out and give you what I had planned. But maybe we can do it the day after. Throwing Tommy a surprise party is a great idea; maybe I can make a cake for the both of you or something. [He's already trying to come up with a theme - twins, twins...]

[That response makes Billy brighten and relax immediately, leaning in to kiss Teddy briefly to show his appreciation.]

You're the best. And we can definitely hang out after, promise. I just really... I'd like to do this. I talk a lot about being brothers but I don't do much about it.

[He wants to stay smiling, he does, but... there it is again.

Rather, there's the absence of it again. Teddy's noticed it for a while now, and he'd left it alone, not wanting to bother Billy about it, make him uncomfortable, or get him upset. But the little hesitation, the struggle when he tries to find another word - he's gotten better about it, but Teddy still hates to see it. He shouldn't have to keep punishing himself over this.

So, he does keep up the smile enough to get out what Billy wants to hear.]

This'll definitely land you a Best Brother medal. Though Tommy would probably never admit it in his life.

[... Then he looks more serious as he gets to what Billy doesn't want to hear.]

... Billy, could you do something for me?

[The serious expression Teddy's suddenly wearing knocks the wind out of Billy's sails a bit, but he's concerned and curious, first and foremost.]

If I can, sure. What is it?

[Teddy wrings his hands together, eyes on the floor. He doesn't want to do this, he really doesn't, and he wishes he had more time to psych himself up.

But, well. Too late now. He shuts his eyes, lets out a long breath, then looks at Billy with a carefully blank face.]

Could you say that again? "I want to do this"?

[....Ah.

Billy's face falls, and he looks down, suddenly unable to meet Teddy's eyes. That explains the seriousness, now.]

That isn't... what I said.

But it's what you were going to say, right?

[He leans forward, keeping his hands to himself despite how much he'd like to reach out and tip Billy's chin up. He knows that his resolve to keep himself a wall like this ends up crumbling a little when there's touching involved.]

Why not say it, then?

[It takes an immense amount of willpower not to shrink back as Teddy leans in- not out of fear, obviously, not of Teddy, but of shame. He fights it, stubbornly, because he knows that he's come a long way from feeling like he doesn't deserve Teddy, that he's dangerous to be around or to touch. Talking about it makes him feel a little like all of that could so easily come back to him, so he keeps a distance between them to avoid testing his own resolve. The last thing he needs is to give Teddy the wrong impression when he already knows this is going to go badly.]

You... know that I can't do that.

[You know why.]

[Teddy shuts his eyes and lets out a slow breath. "I can't do that", but is that really the case here?]

I don't think so. You've said you wanted things before and nothing happened. What's stopping you now?

[He doesn't mean to stress certain parts of it, he really doesn't. So he opens his eyes again, hoping to smooth that tone over.]

Sorry... I just hate seeing you struggle over it so much. You know that.

I didn't used to hurt people when I did that. I didn't change people's lives against their will, or force them to feel or remember things differently. I didn't use it to create things that shouldn't exist.

[He says it all with bitterness and that familiar old guilt in his tone. He's not over all of that. Maybe he never will be. It's a heavy weight, the knowledge that he'd done so much damage on a whim.]

I'm struggling because I'm trying to protect people. I just didn't know it would be this hard, that's all.

Look, I - [He cuts himself off, because just about the worst thing you can say to someone suffering like this is "I know how you feel". So Teddy shuts his eyes, takes a breath, and tries again.]

This isn't protecting people, Bee. Do you know how much people use that word? It's like stopping yourself from saying "I"! It's not doing anything but making it hard on you!

[He was hoping Billy would realize how much life sucked without saying "want" and go back to it. But after this long...]

[He does know, actually. He knows exactly how much people say it. He hears it plenty, and he purposely dodges around it in conversation all the time. And it's hard. It's been three months and it's still always hard.]

Maybe... it's supposed to be hard.

[He knows that isn't what Teddy wants to hear, but it's the truth. If this is his way of punishing himself, then he got off pretty easy, didn't he? Just... cut a word or two out of his vocabulary. Why is that such a terrible thing?]

... No - Okay, Billy? Yes, that happened. But you're holding yourself back from so much, and you think you deserve it! But you don't! You're just - You're going around punishing yourself and not moving forward at all!

[Briefly, Teddy holds his forearm and turns his head away - He hates arguing, he hates shaking up what they've got. But he needs him to understand, and so he makes himself look at him again.]

You're so scared of yourself that it breaks my heart! We already know it wasn't your fault, so why are you keeping this up?! What's stopping you from picking yourself up and saying a word?!

[What's stopping him. As if the answer to that couldn't be answered a hundred different ways. Is it the magic? The spell he'd cast? The feeling of being lost in his own head for weeks? Of letting the people around him wait and suffer and not know what happened to them?

What about the memory of Teddy being strangled, nearly killed, by the magical construct that he'd created? Is that enough to justify inconveniencing himself by not saying a word that terrifies him?

Something in him snaps, a frustration that's been building within him for, apparently, a long time. Not with Teddy, or even the argument they're having, but with himself. His own weakness. His fear, as Teddy had so rightly put it.]

What's stopping me is the fact that people get hurt when I want something, Teddy!!

[And just as swiftly, the anger's gone, replaced by shock, a dawning horror, and that same fear Teddy's talking about. His hand claps over his mouth, and he stands up abruptly, moving a few steps away to put some distance between himself and Teddy- or maybe just the word that hovered in the air between them like a raincloud. He'd said it. He'd said it, it's been so long, he's done so well, dammit, goddammit, he said it...

The last time he'd willingly and knowingly said that word, he'd tried to kill himself. Before that, he'd broken Teddy's heart.

No good can possibly come of it, not ever.]

[It's funny - and yet not - but Teddy said the real answer right there, in his own words. Scared. He's scared, and fighting against that fear just frightens him even more, so instead he lets it settle. The dragon's asleep in its cave and as long as he doesn't poke at it, as long as he doesn't wake it up, it won't set fire to his courage in a bad way.

Teddy is his Bilbo, he wants to joke, but the words die in a dry throat, and he just hunches his body more. Shrinking back from the truth, maybe.]

...You're right. I'm... I'm scared. I'm scared that... losing control once was enough. You don't understand, Teddy- you can't understand. For you - for everyone - words are just that. Just words. You can wish all you want but you can't make things happen just by saying it. But I can, and I did. And it hurt people I loved. So yeah, I'm scared. I'd rather live without a word than with that fear...

[All the anger that Teddy was feeling - not to Billy, but to the situation, to months of seeing him struggle to correct himself, to the force that possessed Billy in the first place - all that anger ends up draining out of him as Billy goes through the process of shouting the word, taking it back in horror, and withdrawing. Hearing him speak, say things that sound so familiar, and just... watching his back.]

Billy...

[He really is scared. It's not just a punishment, or just making things hard on himself - he's genuinely terrified of the word. After all this time... Teddy had hoped that Billy could help himself, heal himself, get to say the word. But he's not, and he'd been afraid of it all this time...

Slowly, Teddy closes the distance between them and reaches out to first lay his hand on Billy's shoulder blade, then slides both that and his other arm around to hold him around the waist, lips brushing against his hair until he can reach his ear. After seeing him withdraw like that, he knows he needs to address something first before going back to the topic at hand.]

It's okay, it's okay... Nothing's happening. I'm fine, everything's fine... It's okay.

[Billy tenses up at first when Teddy holds him - that familiar unworthiness tangled up in the freshly revived fear of saying the word, he said the word, and what did he do with it, what damage could he have caused? It hadn't been a spell, not really, but what if? What if?]

Is it?

[It's barely a whisper, as he trembles against the blond, as his hands tentatively slide up to grasp Teddy's arms, as his gaze darts around to see if anything had changed. Or maybe Teddy did? He could've just- wished the argument away, made it stop, stop fighting me, just let me stay like this, it's better this way-

He wouldn't do that to Teddy, though, right? Right?

Is it okay?]

It is. It's okay... and it'll be okay.

[He's still not letting this drop. If anything, Teddy wants to help him even more. Billy shouldn't have to be afraid of a word... And it's the worst feeling in the world to be afraid of your own powers, or hate them for what they did. With his fingers stroking up and down Billy's side, Teddy presses a kiss above Billy's ear, then whispers quietly again.]

You said it yourself, too. You can wish all you want but you can't make things happen just by saying it. Just because you said the word doesn't mean that something happened, especially something like before.

...But... just because you believe that... doesn't mean something didn't happen. I could make you forget, I could make you stop worrying about it, I... I could do anything...

[And that, perhaps, is the scariest part of all. The power to change things at will used to be fun, exciting, ambitious, and he thrived on it. He loved discovering and creating new spells, watching in wonder as he changed the world around him - or, hell, even himself - for the first time, or perfected a spell he'd struggled with before. Back when magic was deceptively safe and uncomplicated. When he didn't have these awful memories tangled up around that old joy.]

I can do anything... so I can't... let myself do anything.

["I can't let myself do anything."

...

"I don't wanna touch anything, it'll just break..."]

And... you choose not to. I remember, I'm still worried. You didn't do anything.

[He lets out a small sigh, his head dropping until his forehead rests against the crook of Billy's neck, hands stilling against him. He'd never talked about this with anyone else before; his one stable source of stability who helped him through everything was gone, burned out of his life. It's an old scar that he doesn't want to rip open again.

... But for Billy, he'll do it. He'll bleed and bleed until Billy knows, until he realizes that he's not the only one who's experienced a loss of control.]

There's something you're wrong about... that I can't understand what it's like to lose control or how it feels after it happens. I did, once.

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