kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

She was protecting you. That's what moms do.

[He remembers something similar- coming home after the Kesler incident, after meeting Nate and finding out he had powers. He'd still had the aftermath of nearly killing someone to deal with, and while some miracle had occurred that not everyone remembered it the same way, while they'd assumed it had been a taser or something, it still meant that his secret was out. And when she found out about the bullying, his mom was fierce about it. She'd held him, promised to get him out of that school, handled any allegations of troublemaking to ensure that he didn't end up in juvie like Tommy did. She'd protected him, and as a result he'd been free to join the Young Avengers. Good moms always protect their kids.]

Yeah...

[That's part of it too, he knows. She never directly said everything was fine or that he shouldn't feel shame, but she'd never let him take all the blame either, letting him know that the bully started it, that Teddy was defending someone, that he didn't know just how strong he was. Still...]

But I... I didn't want to work on it. I wanted to be as far away from it as I could. I thought I was dangerous... I thought I'd hurt more people, or break more things, if I did anything. So... I didn't. I stayed in my room and wouldn't let myself touch anything. I cried a lot... and if I got bored, I just slept. If I couldn't control myself then, how could I control myself now? That's what I was thinking, anyway... [As much as a kid could think something like that.]

[...Ah.

That's familiar, and in a way that makes Billy feel deeply uncomfortable, remaining silent to listen again. He himself had struggled with that for a long time, and even now, he still is. It's just that not using magic hasn't really interfered with his daily life so much- he could be, well, normal. Chosen speech impediments aside, he'd just gone back to the way he'd been living before he got his powers. For Teddy, who's always had them, it can't have been so simple (even if it still isn't easy).]

... I don't remember how long I stayed like that. I was so determined to stick to it. Even if I played with a toy or something, I'd just... get that memory in my head, drop it and get on the bed again.

Mom was the one who helped me out of it. I didn't really understand her then, but she said it enough times that I remember it now. "Don't let your fear control you. Let it become your motivation."

[Finally, his hold starts to loosen a little. He remembers sitting there on the bed, staring up at her with teary eyes while she held his hands with a gentle smile. Teddy didn't want to pull his hands away, lest he pull her with him. But he didn't want her to touch him either, she could get hurt... and she didn't.]

She worked with me. She'd let me hold things and see how much pressure I could use before it bent. She'd let me hold her and tell me if it was uncomfortable or not. She put me into an episcopal school to give me a better environment and something to believe in. She gave me stories about heroes with super strength, tv shows and everything... [His lips quirk up in a half smile of sorts.] And I hope you didn't think all those self-help books I gave you were for her.

[That last part is so out of place with the rest that even Billy's lips twitch into a faint, sad smile as well, unsure, but trying to understand.]

...I wondered... how you knew them so well.

[He closes his eyes, slowly allowing the words to sink in, the meaning of this story to really hit him. What Teddy's trying to say. What Teddy's trying to do. It takes a while, but finally, in a very quiet voice, he speaks again.]

You did all that... you practiced, you learned... because it was impossible to just... stop, right?

[Finally, finally Teddy lifts his head, though he still keeps his eyes down for now.]

Right. My strength was just as much a part of me as breathing. I had to learn that... and work with it. And even today, I still get nervous, but I've never stopped. I had some help with that.

[His mother in the past, and Billy now. And at last, Teddy lifts his eyes to look at his boyfriend, a faint smile on his own face.]

Don't let your fear control you. Let it be your motivation. I told you I'd be there if you needed help with that, and I'm not taking that back, not ever. I'm still here... and I'm always going to be.

[His mother helped him in the past with his strength. Billy did in the present.

Teddy wants to help him now.]

[That makes Billy pause again, his gaze drifting down for a moment before lifting again, wanting to focus on Teddy's gaze instead of his own fear and hesitation.]

It's still... it's hard for me to understand that. How you can forgive me, or not hate me, for... all of this.

[He chews uneasily on his lower lip, disliking the words and the implications that came along with them, but unable to help himself. It's not like he doubts Teddy. After everything, he's not sure he could ever doubt again. But it's still astonishing to hear it said aloud, so freely, so... earnest. Like nothing in the world really could change Teddy's mind.]

Because I'm in love with you, you dork.

[Teddy leans in to bump their foreheads together, looking at those beautiful brown eyes for a moment before he shuts his own, then lifts one hand to cup Billy's cheek.]

Besides... I think anyone who's made a mistake, and knows it was a mistake, and tries so hard to make up for it; I think they deserve a little love and forgiveness. Don't you think?

[That's the hardest part, though. And yet... also the best. Billy refrains from saying either, but when he feels Teddy against him, and hears those words, his lips quirk a little again. He's not sure what he thinks, yet. But...]

I guess... it would be nice, yeah. To believe that. It's so much better... but what's why I'm doing what I'm doing. To make up for what happened. To make sure it doesn't happen again.

[That... wasn't the answer Teddy wanted to hear. His smile weakens, though it still remains, and his hand drops from Billy's cheek to rest on his chest instead.]

Billy...

[Were you listening to me at all? That's what he wants to say, but he bites it back before it goes past his brain-to-mouth filter. Instead, he leans his head back to look down at his boyfriend again.]

Giving yourself a speech impediment is one way to do it. But if - and this is a huge if - if that thing took you over again, would you be able to make it stop? Would you be strong enough to break that spell? Would you still win at the end of it all and break past it?

[Teddy hates thinking of the possibility that it could happen, but - it's been done once before, and Teddy doesn't trust the Malnosso to hold back on trying again.]

I chose to get off the bed because I wanted to help other people with what I had, not let my fear hold me back. I wanted to know what was enough and what was too much so that that would never happen again. I wanted to stop worrying my mom.

[His hand moves up again, though this time it's to rest against the side of his neck.] You can choose to work through this, and I'll help you every step of the way. Or not, and I'll still be with you and support you. It's all your choice, B. But for what it's worth? I miss hearing you ramble without having to stop and figure out how to replace a word.

[He could do more, he knows. If he was really committed to this, to making sure that it never happened again. He could do a few missions, rack up some points, get one of those collars. No more magic, ever again. He could talk freely without fear, ramble as much as he (or Teddy, more importantly) wanted.

His hand lifts unconsciously to his neck, to the burns it had left behind last time. He imagined wearing it again, looking at it every day, every time he saw himself in the mirror, remembering the pain it had caused, and how it had prevented him from helping Teddy while he'd been tortured. How he'd... died, or at least almost died. How Teddy'd had to watch.

And then it broke. They used that thing on me and it broke. It didn't make a difference at all.

The collar wasn't an option. And he thought back to much sooner than that, to the last time he'd willingly cast a spell. Right before that stupid Malnosso theme park, he'd used magic on the droids trying to attack he and Teddy. He'd... used magic to help, to save someone, and Teddy had been okay with it. Even so soon after the whole mess, even without the resolution and reassurance they'd gained with each other a few days later.

...'A few days later'... when he'd finally broken free.

That's what Teddy's trying to say, isn't it? That maybe he needs this option. That maybe if he keeps doing this to himself, he won't be able to fight at all. That maybe... this isn't the right choice.

There's no 'maybe' for him. He understands. As much as he can, as different as our powers are, he understands.

And if it happened again, if Teddy was getting hurt, I... wouldn't hesitate.

I need to be ready for that...

He mulls it over for a while, and finally, after the longest hesitation yet, he murmurs a reply, shoulders hunched.]

...I don't... know if I'm ready. To do all that.

[....yet...?]

[The last thing Teddy wants is to force Billy to do something he doesn't want to do, but he feels like enough is enough, and this is what Billy needs to do. The Malnosso know he has that power now, and just because he doesn't use it doesn't mean it isn't there anymore. He could be taken advantage of and not be able to defend himself, and Teddy might not be able to protect him, just like... last time.

Their powers are not the same, but their situation is similar; if Teddy never got off the bed, never learned how to control his strength as best as he could, then where would he be today? Causing careless mistakes, no doubt. Hurting much more than he ever did. His nightmares wouldn't just consist of a kid's scream and bones breaking in his hands. And he'd never be able to trust himself around anything or anyone again. He'd never want Billy to feel that way, not ever. And so he hopes, hopes to God that Billy understands.

It takes a long moment, but Billy finally hunches his shoulders and responds. At first, Teddy feels a little disappointed. But he spends another moment to go over that in his head, to analyze Billy's posture and tone.

He doesn't know if he's ready. It's not an "I'm not ready", he just doesn't know. And... there's an unspoken "yet" at the end. Teddy's sure of it.

So his smile comes up again, thumb stroking along Billy's jawline.]

Whenever you feel like you are. I'm here.

[He leans in to give Billy a tender kiss on his forehead, the rest of what he wants to say remaining unspoken. And even if you aren't, I'm here. And I'll love you either way.]

[Billy had half-expected another disagreement, at the very least, so Teddy's response is a relief, and it shows in his posture as the words sink in. He smiles faintly, shifting his hand from his neck to cover Teddy's at his jaw.]

...Because you love me?

[That, at least, isn't hard to believe - that Teddy loves him, why he does - even if Billy still struggles with his own feelings of self-worth. It's barely even a question.

He just really likes hearing Teddy say it. And... right now, he kind of wants it, and asking is his way of showing that he's... letting himself want it, a bit.]

[Teddy smiles against Billy's forehead, then leans back, one hand moving up to join the other in cupping his boyfriend's jaw.]

Because I love you.

[God, they're sickening.

But it's so easy that Billy wants to hear it - needs to hear it, and Teddy can't deny him when he's letting himself want it. Not to mention that Teddy loves to say it anyway, like he can't get enough of the word.]

[Billy hums a quiet, grateful response, momentarily tilting his head into the touch before caving to his impulse, pressing his body close to hug the other boy. He needs this reassurance, and now, holding him like this, Billy figures that Teddy needs it, too. It can't have been easy for him to confront him about this.]

I love you, too. ...And... thank you.

[Thank you for being patience with me.

Thank you for caring enough to try.

Thank you for not getting angry when I didn't say I could do it.

Thank you... for loving me when I can't, yet.]

Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

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