kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

But it's what you were going to say, right?

[He leans forward, keeping his hands to himself despite how much he'd like to reach out and tip Billy's chin up. He knows that his resolve to keep himself a wall like this ends up crumbling a little when there's touching involved.]

Why not say it, then?

[It takes an immense amount of willpower not to shrink back as Teddy leans in- not out of fear, obviously, not of Teddy, but of shame. He fights it, stubbornly, because he knows that he's come a long way from feeling like he doesn't deserve Teddy, that he's dangerous to be around or to touch. Talking about it makes him feel a little like all of that could so easily come back to him, so he keeps a distance between them to avoid testing his own resolve. The last thing he needs is to give Teddy the wrong impression when he already knows this is going to go badly.]

You... know that I can't do that.

[You know why.]

[Teddy shuts his eyes and lets out a slow breath. "I can't do that", but is that really the case here?]

I don't think so. You've said you wanted things before and nothing happened. What's stopping you now?

[He doesn't mean to stress certain parts of it, he really doesn't. So he opens his eyes again, hoping to smooth that tone over.]

Sorry... I just hate seeing you struggle over it so much. You know that.

I didn't used to hurt people when I did that. I didn't change people's lives against their will, or force them to feel or remember things differently. I didn't use it to create things that shouldn't exist.

[He says it all with bitterness and that familiar old guilt in his tone. He's not over all of that. Maybe he never will be. It's a heavy weight, the knowledge that he'd done so much damage on a whim.]

I'm struggling because I'm trying to protect people. I just didn't know it would be this hard, that's all.

Look, I - [He cuts himself off, because just about the worst thing you can say to someone suffering like this is "I know how you feel". So Teddy shuts his eyes, takes a breath, and tries again.]

This isn't protecting people, Bee. Do you know how much people use that word? It's like stopping yourself from saying "I"! It's not doing anything but making it hard on you!

[He was hoping Billy would realize how much life sucked without saying "want" and go back to it. But after this long...]

[He does know, actually. He knows exactly how much people say it. He hears it plenty, and he purposely dodges around it in conversation all the time. And it's hard. It's been three months and it's still always hard.]

Maybe... it's supposed to be hard.

[He knows that isn't what Teddy wants to hear, but it's the truth. If this is his way of punishing himself, then he got off pretty easy, didn't he? Just... cut a word or two out of his vocabulary. Why is that such a terrible thing?]

... No - Okay, Billy? Yes, that happened. But you're holding yourself back from so much, and you think you deserve it! But you don't! You're just - You're going around punishing yourself and not moving forward at all!

[Briefly, Teddy holds his forearm and turns his head away - He hates arguing, he hates shaking up what they've got. But he needs him to understand, and so he makes himself look at him again.]

You're so scared of yourself that it breaks my heart! We already know it wasn't your fault, so why are you keeping this up?! What's stopping you from picking yourself up and saying a word?!

[What's stopping him. As if the answer to that couldn't be answered a hundred different ways. Is it the magic? The spell he'd cast? The feeling of being lost in his own head for weeks? Of letting the people around him wait and suffer and not know what happened to them?

What about the memory of Teddy being strangled, nearly killed, by the magical construct that he'd created? Is that enough to justify inconveniencing himself by not saying a word that terrifies him?

Something in him snaps, a frustration that's been building within him for, apparently, a long time. Not with Teddy, or even the argument they're having, but with himself. His own weakness. His fear, as Teddy had so rightly put it.]

What's stopping me is the fact that people get hurt when I want something, Teddy!!

[And just as swiftly, the anger's gone, replaced by shock, a dawning horror, and that same fear Teddy's talking about. His hand claps over his mouth, and he stands up abruptly, moving a few steps away to put some distance between himself and Teddy- or maybe just the word that hovered in the air between them like a raincloud. He'd said it. He'd said it, it's been so long, he's done so well, dammit, goddammit, he said it...

The last time he'd willingly and knowingly said that word, he'd tried to kill himself. Before that, he'd broken Teddy's heart.

No good can possibly come of it, not ever.]

[It's funny - and yet not - but Teddy said the real answer right there, in his own words. Scared. He's scared, and fighting against that fear just frightens him even more, so instead he lets it settle. The dragon's asleep in its cave and as long as he doesn't poke at it, as long as he doesn't wake it up, it won't set fire to his courage in a bad way.

Teddy is his Bilbo, he wants to joke, but the words die in a dry throat, and he just hunches his body more. Shrinking back from the truth, maybe.]

...You're right. I'm... I'm scared. I'm scared that... losing control once was enough. You don't understand, Teddy- you can't understand. For you - for everyone - words are just that. Just words. You can wish all you want but you can't make things happen just by saying it. But I can, and I did. And it hurt people I loved. So yeah, I'm scared. I'd rather live without a word than with that fear...

[All the anger that Teddy was feeling - not to Billy, but to the situation, to months of seeing him struggle to correct himself, to the force that possessed Billy in the first place - all that anger ends up draining out of him as Billy goes through the process of shouting the word, taking it back in horror, and withdrawing. Hearing him speak, say things that sound so familiar, and just... watching his back.]

Billy...

[He really is scared. It's not just a punishment, or just making things hard on himself - he's genuinely terrified of the word. After all this time... Teddy had hoped that Billy could help himself, heal himself, get to say the word. But he's not, and he'd been afraid of it all this time...

Slowly, Teddy closes the distance between them and reaches out to first lay his hand on Billy's shoulder blade, then slides both that and his other arm around to hold him around the waist, lips brushing against his hair until he can reach his ear. After seeing him withdraw like that, he knows he needs to address something first before going back to the topic at hand.]

It's okay, it's okay... Nothing's happening. I'm fine, everything's fine... It's okay.

[Billy tenses up at first when Teddy holds him - that familiar unworthiness tangled up in the freshly revived fear of saying the word, he said the word, and what did he do with it, what damage could he have caused? It hadn't been a spell, not really, but what if? What if?]

Is it?

[It's barely a whisper, as he trembles against the blond, as his hands tentatively slide up to grasp Teddy's arms, as his gaze darts around to see if anything had changed. Or maybe Teddy did? He could've just- wished the argument away, made it stop, stop fighting me, just let me stay like this, it's better this way-

He wouldn't do that to Teddy, though, right? Right?

Is it okay?]

It is. It's okay... and it'll be okay.

[He's still not letting this drop. If anything, Teddy wants to help him even more. Billy shouldn't have to be afraid of a word... And it's the worst feeling in the world to be afraid of your own powers, or hate them for what they did. With his fingers stroking up and down Billy's side, Teddy presses a kiss above Billy's ear, then whispers quietly again.]

You said it yourself, too. You can wish all you want but you can't make things happen just by saying it. Just because you said the word doesn't mean that something happened, especially something like before.

...But... just because you believe that... doesn't mean something didn't happen. I could make you forget, I could make you stop worrying about it, I... I could do anything...

[And that, perhaps, is the scariest part of all. The power to change things at will used to be fun, exciting, ambitious, and he thrived on it. He loved discovering and creating new spells, watching in wonder as he changed the world around him - or, hell, even himself - for the first time, or perfected a spell he'd struggled with before. Back when magic was deceptively safe and uncomplicated. When he didn't have these awful memories tangled up around that old joy.]

I can do anything... so I can't... let myself do anything.

["I can't let myself do anything."

...

"I don't wanna touch anything, it'll just break..."]

And... you choose not to. I remember, I'm still worried. You didn't do anything.

[He lets out a small sigh, his head dropping until his forehead rests against the crook of Billy's neck, hands stilling against him. He'd never talked about this with anyone else before; his one stable source of stability who helped him through everything was gone, burned out of his life. It's an old scar that he doesn't want to rip open again.

... But for Billy, he'll do it. He'll bleed and bleed until Billy knows, until he realizes that he's not the only one who's experienced a loss of control.]

There's something you're wrong about... that I can't understand what it's like to lose control or how it feels after it happens. I did, once.

[Billy goes still at that, the words breaking through his misery and fear and poking at his curiosity. He doesn't lift his head, but his hands tighten in Teddy's shirt, and he listens.

He's never heard this story before.]

[He almost hopes that he can just leave it at that and not have to worry about reliving that memory again. But it's too late; it's already in his mind, as clear as the day it happened, even if some parts are fuzzy.]

Why do you think I'm so nervous about my strength all the time? It's not because of what might happen...

[Keeping his forehead where it is, and his gaze on the ground as well as Billy's feet, Teddy quietly starts.] I was just a kid. I don't even remember how old I was; I keep getting it mixed up... I don't know if it was kindergarten or before that or anything, but I was still a kid. [He might be trying to stall a little. When he realizes that, he gives the lightest of winces to himself before he keeps going.] I don't remember anything before it. All I know is that I was in a park with a kid I used to be friends with. Some older kid was messing with my friend, calling him - God, I don't know what. I got between them, and we yelled at each other, and he shoved me.

[His fingers curl slightly in Billy's shirt.] I don't know why I did it. I should've left it alone. You know, if someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also? I was just so angry... but the next thing I knew, I reached out and shoved him back with everything I had, and... [He swallows, not wanting to admit this. There's even a long pause, before he tells himself that Billy needs to hear it, even if it isn't true.] I've never heard anyone scream like that in my life. And I still remember what it's like to feel bones break under my hands...

[He hadn't known that. All this time, whenever he's brushed off Teddy's concerns about his strength... he hadn't known.

His hands shift, one curling against Teddy's side, the other lifting to stroke his hair. He wonders if the memory of that moment haunts Teddy when the subject comes up the way that it haunts him when those... forbidden words are mentioned. Because he wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.]

You were a kid, Tee... kids fight. How could you know?

[Other than a little lean towards Billy's hands, Teddy doesn't react otherwise - doesn't look up, doesn't loosen his own hands from Billy's clothes. He hates having a wound like this reopened again, hates feeling so... open and raw in front of someone who wasn't there for it. At least his mother could know just by a few words, as she remembered it too, but...]

I always knew I was pretty strong. I showed off way more back then than I do today. Mom was proud of me, so I was proud of myself. I just didn't know how strong I could be. [Kids have weak bones, too. If he'd done that to an adult, he'd probably cause a few good, dark bruises and knock them back a bit, leave them hurting for a while, but nothing more than that. But a kid...]

Everything after that was kind of a blur. Mom was there; she picked me up and got me out of there before things got bad. I think I was in shock or something... I don't remember anything else except being at home with my mom in front of me and asking me to listen to her. She said we'd work on my strength so that nothing like that happened again, that things would be okay. She told me not to tell anyone what happened... I think she thought I might get in trouble if I did.

She was protecting you. That's what moms do.

[He remembers something similar- coming home after the Kesler incident, after meeting Nate and finding out he had powers. He'd still had the aftermath of nearly killing someone to deal with, and while some miracle had occurred that not everyone remembered it the same way, while they'd assumed it had been a taser or something, it still meant that his secret was out. And when she found out about the bullying, his mom was fierce about it. She'd held him, promised to get him out of that school, handled any allegations of troublemaking to ensure that he didn't end up in juvie like Tommy did. She'd protected him, and as a result he'd been free to join the Young Avengers. Good moms always protect their kids.]

Yeah...

[That's part of it too, he knows. She never directly said everything was fine or that he shouldn't feel shame, but she'd never let him take all the blame either, letting him know that the bully started it, that Teddy was defending someone, that he didn't know just how strong he was. Still...]

But I... I didn't want to work on it. I wanted to be as far away from it as I could. I thought I was dangerous... I thought I'd hurt more people, or break more things, if I did anything. So... I didn't. I stayed in my room and wouldn't let myself touch anything. I cried a lot... and if I got bored, I just slept. If I couldn't control myself then, how could I control myself now? That's what I was thinking, anyway... [As much as a kid could think something like that.]

[...Ah.

That's familiar, and in a way that makes Billy feel deeply uncomfortable, remaining silent to listen again. He himself had struggled with that for a long time, and even now, he still is. It's just that not using magic hasn't really interfered with his daily life so much- he could be, well, normal. Chosen speech impediments aside, he'd just gone back to the way he'd been living before he got his powers. For Teddy, who's always had them, it can't have been so simple (even if it still isn't easy).]

... I don't remember how long I stayed like that. I was so determined to stick to it. Even if I played with a toy or something, I'd just... get that memory in my head, drop it and get on the bed again.

Mom was the one who helped me out of it. I didn't really understand her then, but she said it enough times that I remember it now. "Don't let your fear control you. Let it become your motivation."

[Finally, his hold starts to loosen a little. He remembers sitting there on the bed, staring up at her with teary eyes while she held his hands with a gentle smile. Teddy didn't want to pull his hands away, lest he pull her with him. But he didn't want her to touch him either, she could get hurt... and she didn't.]

She worked with me. She'd let me hold things and see how much pressure I could use before it bent. She'd let me hold her and tell me if it was uncomfortable or not. She put me into an episcopal school to give me a better environment and something to believe in. She gave me stories about heroes with super strength, tv shows and everything... [His lips quirk up in a half smile of sorts.] And I hope you didn't think all those self-help books I gave you were for her.

[That last part is so out of place with the rest that even Billy's lips twitch into a faint, sad smile as well, unsure, but trying to understand.]

...I wondered... how you knew them so well.

[He closes his eyes, slowly allowing the words to sink in, the meaning of this story to really hit him. What Teddy's trying to say. What Teddy's trying to do. It takes a while, but finally, in a very quiet voice, he speaks again.]

You did all that... you practiced, you learned... because it was impossible to just... stop, right?

[Finally, finally Teddy lifts his head, though he still keeps his eyes down for now.]

Right. My strength was just as much a part of me as breathing. I had to learn that... and work with it. And even today, I still get nervous, but I've never stopped. I had some help with that.

[His mother in the past, and Billy now. And at last, Teddy lifts his eyes to look at his boyfriend, a faint smile on his own face.]

Don't let your fear control you. Let it be your motivation. I told you I'd be there if you needed help with that, and I'm not taking that back, not ever. I'm still here... and I'm always going to be.

[His mother helped him in the past with his strength. Billy did in the present.

Teddy wants to help him now.]

Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

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