kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

Here?

[That little pain from seeing other people is coming back, though it's much more dull than if he'd been outside. It's like that feeling when you see a loved one get hurt on the battlefield, a feeling Teddy knows all too well, a fear that makes every single part of your body ache and want to leap in to save that loved one.

Except Billy isn't in any danger, right?

With no way to let out that fear, Teddy simply tenses instead, his hand lifting up to cup Billy's against his cheek.]

What do you mean? [...] Did I... do something?

[No, no, no! Teddy made Billy worried, made him stressed, made him feel unsafe. Why did he do that, what did he do - He frowns, head ducking down - Of course he knows what he did, he's acting so - He cringes, hand tightening around Billy's - "WHAT DID YOU DO? What can you do?"]

Is there anything I can do...? That's right.

I don't think it's anything you did.

[He can't think of anything that could cause Teddy to willingly change like this so suddenly; he'd almost died a few times while they've been here together, between the Skrull attack and the zombie draft, and Teddy didn't get this clingy in the aftermath. They'd kept close, sure, given each other reassurances and staved off the terror that comes from nearly losing a loved one. And Teddy had more reason than most to fear that, after everything he'd already lost.

But this... the possession surely couldn't have frightened him so badly that it caused him pain when they were apart, a pattern Billy had begun to recognize days ago and initially dismissed as nonsense. With the evidence right in front of him time and again, it's impossible to ignore now. And if Teddy doesn't realize what's happening...

...well, there's one way to make it clear. Billy's expression grows serious, and he starts to lower his hand.]

Teddy... what would you do if I had to go away for a while? And you couldn't come? How would you feel?

[... What is he saying?

Teddy can feel that fear inside him grow, feel the embrace of someone he doesn't even realize is there from behind. It's one of his worst fears even without this added feeling from days before, of Billy leaving and him being unable to follow. Like in the prison. Like the kidnapping. Like every other time Teddy failed to protect him.

Billy is lowering his hand, but Teddy keeps a good grip on it as if it's the last touch his lover wants to give him. He might be good at shifting away whatever unpleasant expression he has, but this? This is causing him to forget all of that and just pale, a fear that's doubled thanks to whatever's wrong with him completely taking away his ability to even think about shifting.

Fix it fix it fix it fix it fix it fix itfixitfixitfixitfixitOHGODFIXIT]

I... Why? Are you leaving? You can't - You can't go...

[He can practically hear the alarm bells going off in his head; Teddy's reaction is so, so telling. In his regular state of mind Teddy would never believe a comment like that, not out of the blue, not with the kind of relationship they had. Teddy would know that he'd never leave him like that.

Teddy wouldn't let that panic and fear show so clearly on his face. He tugs gently on the grip around his hand, though not too hard- it isn't painful, but he doesn't want to risk an accident happening while Teddy isn't in his right mind.]

It's- it's theoretical. Just think about it. What if I did? With how weird you've been lately... with how sick you're getting... haven't you noticed it?

Weird? Sick?

[The panic is starting to lessen now that Billy's assured that it's theoretical. Is it? Teddy has been acting weird, and it could be enough to drive Billy away, he wouldn't be surprised, he would be surprised, he's devoted his whole life to him and -

He lets out a short little laugh and releases Billy's hand after giving it a worried glance. Teddy isn't in the right state of mind yes he is, and he doesn't want to cause an accident either why would he?]

I'm not acting weird! I just finally realized what I should've been doing this whole time!

[He turns away, a hand running through his hair while he glances from side to side again.]

It's - This is all to protect you. You got kidnapped, then possessed, and - and you go get lessons from a chaos god and actually trust the guy, you act like Jarvis II to the guy who threw you in jail, we're - we're starting a club and we don't even know what kind of people we just brought in, you've nearly died on a draft, you -

[Suddenly, his grip on his hair turns hard, and his shoulders raise and tense.]

What am I saying? Stop it, I don't - That's -

[And then, it loosens up again.]

And - And I don't know what I'd do, I really don't. You're... You're all I have left, Billy. What am I supposed to do...?

[Billy takes a step back, startled and stung by the sudden outburst. He can recognize the logic of it - he's given Teddy plenty of reasons to worry about him, and Luceti itself has done a number on them both - but there's a wildness to his rant that doesn't seem much like Teddy at all. Again, he feels as if Teddy isn't talking to just him, the sporadic nature of his words confusing and worrisome.

And the words themselves... is that really how Teddy feels? He'd been open enough with his opinions on Loki, sure, but he'd thought that they were okay with Tony now, and that the possessions weren't their faults, and-

-and Teddy knows better. No. It doesn't sound like him at all.

What the hell is going on...?]

Teddy... Teddy. Relax, okay? Just calm down. Try to think clearly.

[He keeps his distance, just in case, his hands lifted in a placating motion. If Teddy isn't calm then his words won't sink in at all.]

[The person he can't see, the one holding his arms and whispering in his head wants him to keep panicking, keep alarmed and alert because if he lets it down for even a second, Billy might leave leave leave and we can't allow that.

But Teddy himself wants to calm down. All he's doing is scaring Billy, and a small part of him is scaring himself, too. It's only small, the rest of him being overpowered by the sense of belonging that the voice is giving him.

Still, Billy's voice is enough to make him shut his eyes and breathe. Like their exercises when the nightmares of the Cube grew to be too much; inhale through the nose, stomach expanding, hold it for a few seconds, let it out through his lips. Inhale, exhale. Relax.

Finally, after one last exhale, he lets his shoulders hang, though his hand still remains in his hair while the other, having been clenched into a fist, relaxes loosely. He gives a small nod after that. God, he's had to do that several times his past week when he tried going outside...

...]

[It's a good sign that Teddy's still with him enough to listen to him, and that helps a great deal. After it's quiet for a moment, Billy steps forward a few steps, closing the distance between them, and lifts his hands to press them against Teddy's face once more, fingers stroking through his hair and brushing against the hand tightly clenched at his head. He raises himself up to touch his forehead to his boyfriend's, eyes closing.]

That's it... that's it. I'm sorry, T. I had to see what would happen. I'm going to check something, okay? Just hold still, keep breathing like that.

[His fingers keep stroking for a moment, then he goes still, letting his magic fill the area around them, lighting it up, focusing on Teddy. He murmurs softly under his breath - "IwanttoseewhatswrongIwanttoseewhatswrong" - and it goes on like that for a few moments before the magic presses inward.

He hits a wall first, suddenly and unexpectedly, and he opens glowing blue eyes just in time to see it burst, slamming him with a gutpunch of uncontrolled energy and sending him tumbling head over heels with a breathless cry.]

[The words, the touches, the intimacy calms him further, letting that small part of Teddy that's still him react and keep himself relaxed. He keeps breathing deep, just like those exercises, lets himself feel his boyfriend's touch and concern and love...

Once the magic starts, though, the arm that was at his side moves without him even knowing it until it's crossed in front of his abdomen. It's as if he were closing himself off, protecting himself, even as he still breathes and stays relaxed. The other side of him, the one that's ensnared in someone else's grip, has realized what's happening, and he doesn't want it.

In Billy's mind, he might see a brief image before things backfire; a transparent boy shrouded in red with his arms around Teddy's shoulders, hands moving soothingly, mouth moving as if talking to him. And, indeed, there are words ("- on't scare him"), words that make an odd red shape light up in Teddy's chest and spread that color though his body.

But then the boy looks at Billy and -

And Teddy's suddenly broken out of the calm as well, and it feels like he just got punched in the chest by something even more powerful than a fist. He's also sent rolling backwards with a choked sound, landing on his back and yet ending up face down on the floor with a groan.

It doesn't take long for the whispers to get back in gear though, and soon enough, Teddy is right at Billy's side, one hand on his back and the other enclosed around his hand to help him up, eyes wide with shock and a little bit of fear.]

Billy? Are you...?

[For a long moment, Billy doesn't move, almost doesn't even seem to breathe, merely lies flat on his back looking stunned and staring at the ceiling. That... was not supposed to happen. He feels electrified, headache-y, the spell bouncing pointlessly around in his head. An uncomfortable rebound as a result of trying to use magics incompatible with the problem. He's still pondering it when his lungs remember that they need air, and he quietly inhales, his gaze shifting to the side and focusing on Teddy now. He'd seen... he'd seen something just then.

Someone holding Teddy, someone he didn't recognize. It had felt cold, uncomfortable, wrong... and immune to his magic.

He swallows hard, inhales meaningfully, exhales, inhales again, and then whispers, his grip on Teddy's hand abruptly tightening.]

Who is he?

What - Who? What do you mean?

[Is he questioning Teddy's devotion to him? Teddy would pull back, appalled by Billy's words, and yet the grip on his hand is like an anchor despite the fact that he could easily break out of it.

...

Hadn't he seen someone once...?

No, he didn't.]

There- there was someone- [Billy gestures somewhat helplessly over Teddy's shoulder, still staring at the empty space as if it would magically materialize the boy again.] He was all red, and I could see him talking to you- can't you hear it?

[What had he been saying? "Don't scare him"? If he's directing Teddy's behaviour somehow, whoever it is...

If he's malicious, if that's who's causing Teddy pain...

Billy's eyes narrow. This'll take investigating, for sure. But for now he needs to figure out how to separate them...]

I don't...

[I don't know, I don't understand, who is he talking about, I'm not hearing anything, what...

But...

Teddy's so tense that he practically feels like he can't even move his shoulders, how it looked like Billy hadn't been breathing at first, how it threw him back like a rag doll, how it made him so worried, how it -

It -

Teddy blinks hard and shakes his head, then keeps it turned to the side while he keeps his eyes squeezed shut. He finally breaks the grip that Billy has on him as well, if only so that he can clench his fist and fight.

He wanted to be devoted with all of his heart and mind and soul.

But all he's doing is hurting him and driving him away. And everyone else, too...

Finally, he relaxes, the tension bleeding out of him as he finally opens his eyes, though he still keeps his head turned away. He feels like moving, and since he doesn't want to break whatever sort of peace has come over him, he gets up and moves. It's nothing worrying - just a pace, walking back and forth. Yet there's no worry to his steps; in fact, there seems to be a sort of rhythm to the way his feet fall.]

Yeah... I can hear it. Sometimes I even talk back to it. I don't know what it is, but ever since all that stuff happened...

[At the thought of it all, Teddy presses his fingers against his temples. God, he can feel that voice starting to come back, even if the presence itself is finally a distance away, just watching.]

Billy, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. You turned my life completely around, and you were there when it fell to pieces. You gave me a family. You're the only one I really know in this world.

[He bites his lip and looks up at the ceiling, the hand falling away from his head to curl into a fist while he crosses his arms over his aching chest.]

After we got Twila out of you, it just felt like... everything and everyone was out to get you. It felt like I wasn't... doing enough. Like I wasn't devoted enough...

[Billy almost rises to stop him again, concerned by the motion and thinking that perhaps he might be having another episode, but the way Teddy is moving keeps him from doing so. He remains seated on the floor instead, shifting to tuck his legs under him, and just watches for a while, listening quietly. While normally those words might warm his heart a little, make him smile - the middle bit, anyway - now it only gives him chills when he hears the rest. So... something had happened, as a result of the spirits. He's not sure they're exactly related, since the spirits had never manifested like that, nor used real words, but if the spirits had made him more susceptible, that's a problem.

Focusing back on the current problem, however, Billy furrows his brow, trying to watch for any sign of the boy hanging over Teddy's shoulder, listening for additional, unfamiliar voices.]

Teddy... you already do plenty for me. You always have, even before we started dating. And this past week you've done too much. You haven't let me do anything for you.

I know I have. I mean - I know now. It made sense before, but now...

[Teddy lowers his head and runs both hands through his hair, a quick motion, both in frustration and to fight off that wave of confusion: What's so strange about being devoted to the one you love? And the rhythm of his steps falters for a second, because what is so strange about it?

It's strange when you're completely shutting them away.

That's when he gets back in his groove, hands remaining on the back of his neck now.]

God, now I know I was practically acting crazy. I feel crazy now. Not like, laughing maniacally and leaping out of a Lazarus Pit crazy, but - you know.

It's like - every time I leave you alone, I feel like I need to get back to you. Every time you go off somewhere, I keep worrying that you're in danger, or that someone isn't treating you right, or something. I kept feeling like I needed to focus more and more on you. I mean, every time I even looked at someone, even my friends, it felt - I don't even know how to describe it, like... I guess the flu times nine thousand? I could barely look at anyone, but you...

God, I sound like such a creeper right now...

It's a little creepy, yeah.

[His tone is gentle, though; he says it out of concern, not to accuse or reject Teddy for it. He really wants to go to him, to reach out and pull him close and soothe his worries, but this is the first time Teddy's actually chosen to separate himself and put some distance between them without freaking out about it, so Billy's taking it as a good sign. Right now it seems like he needs logic, calm discussion, a chance to express himself without worrying about how Billy feels. Until that changes, he'll stay put.]

Someone's messing with your head, T. Making you imagine dangers that don't exist. Yesterday you couldn't even dance with Katniss at her sister's birthday... were you scared that I'd get upset at you for it?

[It's not like he's ever been jealous- Teddy's honestly never given him a reason to feel that way. He's never met anyone more devoted to their partner.]

You saw that?

[He was watching, of course he was watching, and he saw Katniss talk to me, and now he - he -

Teddy hisses and grips his hair again, but his steps still don't break. It's like the voice is whispering, but it just gave something away - rather, Billy did.]

Maybe - Maybe that's why it kept hurting. It's not like I didn't want to dance with Katniss, I did. But just the thought made that flu-pain come back. Didn't you feel it when you hugged me?

[Teddy was sure he was overheated, at least. It's what made him want to get out of there at last, that and how painful it all was. Is this pain because he's worried what Billy will think of him? He's not, he never was before this happened. So why...?

The moment his doubt comes back, his steps stop, and his hands clench once more.

"Why should you look at them? This is all you need. This is the one who knows and loves you best."]

Why should I look at them, anyway? It's not like I have anyone else.

[It's not quite what the voice said, but it's something from deep within, from the dark, dark corner of his mind that sometimes rears up at night. My mom is gone. I don't have any other family that I know. I haven't gone on my walks in the city, surely everyone's forgotten me. Why would anyone ever like Teddy Altman when they could have whoever they wanted?]

[And that's what makes Billy stand up, half-reaching for him, not quite there yet but god, it makes his heart clench to hear Teddy say things like that. He'd felt that same illness in his boyfriend's body all week, and yes, it had worried him, especially with Teddy never getting sick. But there'd been no explanation, and it had vanished just as swiftly as it had appeared when they were alone together. He just couldn't make sense of it.

And neither, it seemed, could Teddy. But he can't stay quiet with those words hanging over them.]

How can you say that? Katniss, Sabriel, Cap, Bucky, Mia, Pepper, the professor... and that's just to name a few. Do you have any idea how many people would call you a friend here? Or at home? Do you know how important you are?

[A part of him wants to laugh. A hollow, quiet, broken laugh at that last sentence: Do you know how important you are?

What good is he if he can't even protect the one he loves most? If he can't even devote himself to his boyfriend's safety, to love him completely, how can he be important? What kind of person is Teddy if he doesn't have his devotion?

No one, that's who, because he's only barely come to understand himself anyway.

But before he can even give a bitter smile, he realizes that that's a small part of him. The larger part, which had started out so little and buried before, is starting to raise its voice and give him more names: Eli, Kate, Cassie, Jonas, Tommy, the various store managers that he'd befriended, the playfully cynical elderly people he plays chess in the park with, the few people who'd be sad on a park bench, only to pour their heart out to the boy who decided to sit by them and listen. He's the teenager who managed to pick up a friend every time he decided to wander the many linear streets of New York, and just one look at his starkphone, if he can ever get past "Mom", shows a huge list.

Who else does he have?

Not just Billy, that's for sure.

"But love is worth fighting for."

So it is.]

I... I don't think I need this anymore.

["I don't belong here anymore. I've never belonged here."]

Billy...?

[Billy pauses, reaching out again - hesitates, watching for a shift in the air - then closes the distance between them, taking both of Teddy's hands in his and twining their fingers together. There is something different, he can feel it now, in the warmth of Teddy's hands and the peace in his expression, something he recognizes instantly, if only because he's been missing it all week. He looks down at their clasped hands for a moment, swinging them very gently between their bodies, then looks up to meet Teddy's eyes, smiling faintly.]

Whatever this is... you're right, you don't need it. You never did. Your world doesn't revolve around just me, Teddy. It never did, and I'd never want it to. A solar system's pretty empty with just one planet, you know.

[He leans up at the same time as he gives Teddy's hands a tug, trying to ease him down a couple inches in order to murmur into his ear.]

Let him go. Whatever you are, whoever you are... please, let him go.

[There's an underlying plea in his tone, and beneath that - deeper, harder to decipher - a threat.

Leave, or I'll find a way to drag you out]

[When Billy meets his eyes, Teddy smiles faintly as well; it's the first time he felt even vaguely free of all this stress ever since this started. Not just whatever was wrong with him, but the spirit possessions too, having to duck and dodge away from friends who'd been infected with Twila, only really trusting Billy with it. And even then, jumping right into a suicidal Batman Gambit just to get him back...

No wonder you got me.

And with the murmur, Teddy shuts his eyes and rests his head against Billy's shoulder, breathing deep again, trying to clear his mind of any protesting voices. One last whisper, a lonely, lost one that makes Teddy shudder, and then, parting words.

"I have to go now. I'm sorry for any trouble I've caused."

That tiny, dark part of his mind panics: No, don't leave me! But he barely hears it due to Billy's fingers twined with his own, the thought of people he really needs to apologize to, including Billy himself, and picking up whatever things he might have canceled with other people. Lunch date with Mia. Guitar jamming sessions with Katniss. An apology lunch for Artemis. And who knows, whatever else he might have planned, or will plan.

It's right in the middle of those thoughts that the shard leaves him. With Billy right there in front of him, it leaves from his back instead, right where his heart is. He can't see it, and Billy might not be able to either, but it looks a lot like a red crystal shard.

And as soon as it severs its ties with him entirely, Teddy's thoughts cut completely short as sounds and sights and everything suddenly swims, blurs, then blackens, leaving him falling straight to the floor.

Well. If Billy couldn't see the shard, then that's certainly another way to tell that a week's worth of manipulation and pain and twisting of emotions is finally gone.]

Edited 2013-06-10 13:39 (UTC)

[With Teddy on his shoulder, Billy has a pretty good view of what happens, and it's only because he was able to see the spirit or whatever it was with his magic before that he actually sees the shard leave Teddy's body. He watches it with cautious wonder, trying to sort out what it is and how it could have even gotten there, but he's immediately distracted when Teddy goes limp.

It's only quick reflexes that keeps them both off the floor, as Billy's hands shift up to catch Teddy beneath the arms and support him with a startled cry for his attention. Too much dead weight and not enough physical strength is his downfall, though, and after a shaky, frightened moment, Billy eases himself down to his knees, cradling Teddy against him to check his vitals. Pulse is good, breathing okay, eyes clear... most importantly, he seems so at peace. And for the first time in days, Billy feels like he can finally breathe a little easier. He won't feel completely reassured until Teddy is awake and talking to him again, as himself, but despite Teddy's unconsciousness, he'll hope for the best and take it as a good sign.

With Teddy tucked up against his side, Billy glances around until he spots the crystal, abandoned and glowing faintly against the carpeted floor. Halfway mesmerized, Billy reaches out for it, then bites his lip and withdraws, instead murmuring a chant to create a tiny magical dome around it. Until he knows more about this, and until he's certain that Teddy's alright, he doesn't want to take any chances of this happening again. For now, he'll just wait it out until Teddy's ready to wake up.

At the very least, though... they're both safe at last.]

[It only takes a couple of minutes for Teddy to stir, a wince on his face as a dizzying headache comes over him, then fades away after a few seconds, his healing making swift work of that. At least his healing is working somewhere, Teddy dimly thinks to himself as he opens his eyes in a little squint. There are spots in front of his eyes that come from passing out, and he blinks a few times to try to get rid of them, instantly confused as to how he ended up like this.]

Nn... Billy? What...?

[At least one thing is very clear to him, and it makes him let out a groan and shut his eyes again.]

Oh man, did I pass out again? [God, that's like the third time that happened in the past two weeks.]

[It's a harrying couple of minutes, with Billy wondering worriedly if he should get Teddy to bed, if he needs a doctor, if he needs a hospital, god, or if he should just wait and see. Thankfully it doesn't take long for the answer to be handed to him, and he jumps and leans over when Teddy stirs, his face hovering over Teddy's to check on him.]

Teddy... hey, are you okay? How do you feel?

[And he does another quick check to be sure, touching his neck and forehead.

Like I had to sit down and watch Serenity again.

[He says around a groan; seriously, it feels like his emotions just got put through the wringer. Otherwise, he feels... fine. Ish. Not like nothing happened, of course, but certainly a lot better than what he was feeling before.]

I'm feeling a little less crazy, at least. [When Teddy finally opens his eyes, it's first to look up at Billy with a faint smile and, for right now, he doesn't bother to move from Billy's embrace. After this long of giving and giving and giving without any sort of balance... it's nice, being able to lean on him like this in return. Then the smile fades as he turns his head to look at the shard. It's easy for him to see now, what with it being out of him and not whispering in his head and everything.]

So that's it, huh... That's what made me turn into Edward.

Edited 2013-06-11 06:30 (UTC)

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