kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

I don't...

[I don't know, I don't understand, who is he talking about, I'm not hearing anything, what...

But...

Teddy's so tense that he practically feels like he can't even move his shoulders, how it looked like Billy hadn't been breathing at first, how it threw him back like a rag doll, how it made him so worried, how it -

It -

Teddy blinks hard and shakes his head, then keeps it turned to the side while he keeps his eyes squeezed shut. He finally breaks the grip that Billy has on him as well, if only so that he can clench his fist and fight.

He wanted to be devoted with all of his heart and mind and soul.

But all he's doing is hurting him and driving him away. And everyone else, too...

Finally, he relaxes, the tension bleeding out of him as he finally opens his eyes, though he still keeps his head turned away. He feels like moving, and since he doesn't want to break whatever sort of peace has come over him, he gets up and moves. It's nothing worrying - just a pace, walking back and forth. Yet there's no worry to his steps; in fact, there seems to be a sort of rhythm to the way his feet fall.]

Yeah... I can hear it. Sometimes I even talk back to it. I don't know what it is, but ever since all that stuff happened...

[At the thought of it all, Teddy presses his fingers against his temples. God, he can feel that voice starting to come back, even if the presence itself is finally a distance away, just watching.]

Billy, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. You turned my life completely around, and you were there when it fell to pieces. You gave me a family. You're the only one I really know in this world.

[He bites his lip and looks up at the ceiling, the hand falling away from his head to curl into a fist while he crosses his arms over his aching chest.]

After we got Twila out of you, it just felt like... everything and everyone was out to get you. It felt like I wasn't... doing enough. Like I wasn't devoted enough...

[Billy almost rises to stop him again, concerned by the motion and thinking that perhaps he might be having another episode, but the way Teddy is moving keeps him from doing so. He remains seated on the floor instead, shifting to tuck his legs under him, and just watches for a while, listening quietly. While normally those words might warm his heart a little, make him smile - the middle bit, anyway - now it only gives him chills when he hears the rest. So... something had happened, as a result of the spirits. He's not sure they're exactly related, since the spirits had never manifested like that, nor used real words, but if the spirits had made him more susceptible, that's a problem.

Focusing back on the current problem, however, Billy furrows his brow, trying to watch for any sign of the boy hanging over Teddy's shoulder, listening for additional, unfamiliar voices.]

Teddy... you already do plenty for me. You always have, even before we started dating. And this past week you've done too much. You haven't let me do anything for you.

I know I have. I mean - I know now. It made sense before, but now...

[Teddy lowers his head and runs both hands through his hair, a quick motion, both in frustration and to fight off that wave of confusion: What's so strange about being devoted to the one you love? And the rhythm of his steps falters for a second, because what is so strange about it?

It's strange when you're completely shutting them away.

That's when he gets back in his groove, hands remaining on the back of his neck now.]

God, now I know I was practically acting crazy. I feel crazy now. Not like, laughing maniacally and leaping out of a Lazarus Pit crazy, but - you know.

It's like - every time I leave you alone, I feel like I need to get back to you. Every time you go off somewhere, I keep worrying that you're in danger, or that someone isn't treating you right, or something. I kept feeling like I needed to focus more and more on you. I mean, every time I even looked at someone, even my friends, it felt - I don't even know how to describe it, like... I guess the flu times nine thousand? I could barely look at anyone, but you...

God, I sound like such a creeper right now...

It's a little creepy, yeah.

[His tone is gentle, though; he says it out of concern, not to accuse or reject Teddy for it. He really wants to go to him, to reach out and pull him close and soothe his worries, but this is the first time Teddy's actually chosen to separate himself and put some distance between them without freaking out about it, so Billy's taking it as a good sign. Right now it seems like he needs logic, calm discussion, a chance to express himself without worrying about how Billy feels. Until that changes, he'll stay put.]

Someone's messing with your head, T. Making you imagine dangers that don't exist. Yesterday you couldn't even dance with Katniss at her sister's birthday... were you scared that I'd get upset at you for it?

[It's not like he's ever been jealous- Teddy's honestly never given him a reason to feel that way. He's never met anyone more devoted to their partner.]

You saw that?

[He was watching, of course he was watching, and he saw Katniss talk to me, and now he - he -

Teddy hisses and grips his hair again, but his steps still don't break. It's like the voice is whispering, but it just gave something away - rather, Billy did.]

Maybe - Maybe that's why it kept hurting. It's not like I didn't want to dance with Katniss, I did. But just the thought made that flu-pain come back. Didn't you feel it when you hugged me?

[Teddy was sure he was overheated, at least. It's what made him want to get out of there at last, that and how painful it all was. Is this pain because he's worried what Billy will think of him? He's not, he never was before this happened. So why...?

The moment his doubt comes back, his steps stop, and his hands clench once more.

"Why should you look at them? This is all you need. This is the one who knows and loves you best."]

Why should I look at them, anyway? It's not like I have anyone else.

[It's not quite what the voice said, but it's something from deep within, from the dark, dark corner of his mind that sometimes rears up at night. My mom is gone. I don't have any other family that I know. I haven't gone on my walks in the city, surely everyone's forgotten me. Why would anyone ever like Teddy Altman when they could have whoever they wanted?]

[And that's what makes Billy stand up, half-reaching for him, not quite there yet but god, it makes his heart clench to hear Teddy say things like that. He'd felt that same illness in his boyfriend's body all week, and yes, it had worried him, especially with Teddy never getting sick. But there'd been no explanation, and it had vanished just as swiftly as it had appeared when they were alone together. He just couldn't make sense of it.

And neither, it seemed, could Teddy. But he can't stay quiet with those words hanging over them.]

How can you say that? Katniss, Sabriel, Cap, Bucky, Mia, Pepper, the professor... and that's just to name a few. Do you have any idea how many people would call you a friend here? Or at home? Do you know how important you are?

[A part of him wants to laugh. A hollow, quiet, broken laugh at that last sentence: Do you know how important you are?

What good is he if he can't even protect the one he loves most? If he can't even devote himself to his boyfriend's safety, to love him completely, how can he be important? What kind of person is Teddy if he doesn't have his devotion?

No one, that's who, because he's only barely come to understand himself anyway.

But before he can even give a bitter smile, he realizes that that's a small part of him. The larger part, which had started out so little and buried before, is starting to raise its voice and give him more names: Eli, Kate, Cassie, Jonas, Tommy, the various store managers that he'd befriended, the playfully cynical elderly people he plays chess in the park with, the few people who'd be sad on a park bench, only to pour their heart out to the boy who decided to sit by them and listen. He's the teenager who managed to pick up a friend every time he decided to wander the many linear streets of New York, and just one look at his starkphone, if he can ever get past "Mom", shows a huge list.

Who else does he have?

Not just Billy, that's for sure.

"But love is worth fighting for."

So it is.]

I... I don't think I need this anymore.

["I don't belong here anymore. I've never belonged here."]

Billy...?

[Billy pauses, reaching out again - hesitates, watching for a shift in the air - then closes the distance between them, taking both of Teddy's hands in his and twining their fingers together. There is something different, he can feel it now, in the warmth of Teddy's hands and the peace in his expression, something he recognizes instantly, if only because he's been missing it all week. He looks down at their clasped hands for a moment, swinging them very gently between their bodies, then looks up to meet Teddy's eyes, smiling faintly.]

Whatever this is... you're right, you don't need it. You never did. Your world doesn't revolve around just me, Teddy. It never did, and I'd never want it to. A solar system's pretty empty with just one planet, you know.

[He leans up at the same time as he gives Teddy's hands a tug, trying to ease him down a couple inches in order to murmur into his ear.]

Let him go. Whatever you are, whoever you are... please, let him go.

[There's an underlying plea in his tone, and beneath that - deeper, harder to decipher - a threat.

Leave, or I'll find a way to drag you out]

[When Billy meets his eyes, Teddy smiles faintly as well; it's the first time he felt even vaguely free of all this stress ever since this started. Not just whatever was wrong with him, but the spirit possessions too, having to duck and dodge away from friends who'd been infected with Twila, only really trusting Billy with it. And even then, jumping right into a suicidal Batman Gambit just to get him back...

No wonder you got me.

And with the murmur, Teddy shuts his eyes and rests his head against Billy's shoulder, breathing deep again, trying to clear his mind of any protesting voices. One last whisper, a lonely, lost one that makes Teddy shudder, and then, parting words.

"I have to go now. I'm sorry for any trouble I've caused."

That tiny, dark part of his mind panics: No, don't leave me! But he barely hears it due to Billy's fingers twined with his own, the thought of people he really needs to apologize to, including Billy himself, and picking up whatever things he might have canceled with other people. Lunch date with Mia. Guitar jamming sessions with Katniss. An apology lunch for Artemis. And who knows, whatever else he might have planned, or will plan.

It's right in the middle of those thoughts that the shard leaves him. With Billy right there in front of him, it leaves from his back instead, right where his heart is. He can't see it, and Billy might not be able to either, but it looks a lot like a red crystal shard.

And as soon as it severs its ties with him entirely, Teddy's thoughts cut completely short as sounds and sights and everything suddenly swims, blurs, then blackens, leaving him falling straight to the floor.

Well. If Billy couldn't see the shard, then that's certainly another way to tell that a week's worth of manipulation and pain and twisting of emotions is finally gone.]

Edited 2013-06-10 13:39 (UTC)

[With Teddy on his shoulder, Billy has a pretty good view of what happens, and it's only because he was able to see the spirit or whatever it was with his magic before that he actually sees the shard leave Teddy's body. He watches it with cautious wonder, trying to sort out what it is and how it could have even gotten there, but he's immediately distracted when Teddy goes limp.

It's only quick reflexes that keeps them both off the floor, as Billy's hands shift up to catch Teddy beneath the arms and support him with a startled cry for his attention. Too much dead weight and not enough physical strength is his downfall, though, and after a shaky, frightened moment, Billy eases himself down to his knees, cradling Teddy against him to check his vitals. Pulse is good, breathing okay, eyes clear... most importantly, he seems so at peace. And for the first time in days, Billy feels like he can finally breathe a little easier. He won't feel completely reassured until Teddy is awake and talking to him again, as himself, but despite Teddy's unconsciousness, he'll hope for the best and take it as a good sign.

With Teddy tucked up against his side, Billy glances around until he spots the crystal, abandoned and glowing faintly against the carpeted floor. Halfway mesmerized, Billy reaches out for it, then bites his lip and withdraws, instead murmuring a chant to create a tiny magical dome around it. Until he knows more about this, and until he's certain that Teddy's alright, he doesn't want to take any chances of this happening again. For now, he'll just wait it out until Teddy's ready to wake up.

At the very least, though... they're both safe at last.]

[It only takes a couple of minutes for Teddy to stir, a wince on his face as a dizzying headache comes over him, then fades away after a few seconds, his healing making swift work of that. At least his healing is working somewhere, Teddy dimly thinks to himself as he opens his eyes in a little squint. There are spots in front of his eyes that come from passing out, and he blinks a few times to try to get rid of them, instantly confused as to how he ended up like this.]

Nn... Billy? What...?

[At least one thing is very clear to him, and it makes him let out a groan and shut his eyes again.]

Oh man, did I pass out again? [God, that's like the third time that happened in the past two weeks.]

[It's a harrying couple of minutes, with Billy wondering worriedly if he should get Teddy to bed, if he needs a doctor, if he needs a hospital, god, or if he should just wait and see. Thankfully it doesn't take long for the answer to be handed to him, and he jumps and leans over when Teddy stirs, his face hovering over Teddy's to check on him.]

Teddy... hey, are you okay? How do you feel?

[And he does another quick check to be sure, touching his neck and forehead.

Like I had to sit down and watch Serenity again.

[He says around a groan; seriously, it feels like his emotions just got put through the wringer. Otherwise, he feels... fine. Ish. Not like nothing happened, of course, but certainly a lot better than what he was feeling before.]

I'm feeling a little less crazy, at least. [When Teddy finally opens his eyes, it's first to look up at Billy with a faint smile and, for right now, he doesn't bother to move from Billy's embrace. After this long of giving and giving and giving without any sort of balance... it's nice, being able to lean on him like this in return. Then the smile fades as he turns his head to look at the shard. It's easy for him to see now, what with it being out of him and not whispering in his head and everything.]

So that's it, huh... That's what made me turn into Edward.

Edited 2013-06-11 06:30 (UTC)

[The references make Billy smile a bit, though it's cut short when his gaze drifts to the shard on the floor, and his eyes narrow, tugging gently on Teddy's hand.]

Yeah. Can you stand? I'll help if you need it. I just... don't think we should be near it.

[He's glad to have Teddy back - unbelievably so - but it would all be pointless if one of them got infected by whatever it is again.]

... Yeah, good point. I think I can -

[With one hand still in Billy's and the other pushing off the floor, Teddy manages to stand; it's definitely not like when he fainted after they got rid of Twila. He does stumble just slightly, but with a shake of his head, he rights himself again and stands straight once more.

He tugs on Billy's hand, as if signaling that he should lead the way (or, rather, go first, get away from the shard first) while he glances back at the shard.]

So what are we going to do with it? Leave it there?

[Billy keeps him steady as he stumbles, and once he's more stable, he starts to lead them towards the couch, helping Teddy walk as needed.]

I don't know yet- it's only been a couple of minutes. I've got a forcefield around it for now, and it seems to be working okay. I'll figure it out later.

[He's not going to stress about it now, while Teddy's still recovering.]

I can help with that... if you need me to. Knowing Optimus, he'll just think it's a treat and eat it.

[Once they get to the couch, though, Teddy remains standing. He keeps his eyes away, head tilted down, and eventually lets go of Billy's hand, though he lets his fingers touch Billy's elbow instead.

Now that the shard's out of him, he's left feeling guilty and ashamed of himself. Not just for the way that he treated his friends, but Billy, too. He'd been the perfect example of an overly clingy boyfriend, and he's honestly a little surprised that Billy's actually hanging around and still giving him affection. Not that he'd do the same thing, but as he said over and over these past few days, Billy's probably sick of him and his constant hanging around by now.]

Did... you want me to leave you alone for a while? I know how much you value that, and I kind of pushed all that away...

That's kinda why I shielded it. The last thing we need is a possessed dog.

[Maybe if it had been more melodramatic and obvious, the mental image would be amusing. But Teddy's last comments are enough of a derail that he doesn't think too deeply on it. He's quiet for a moment, lips pursed, then cards his fingers through Teddy's hair, giving him a light bump to try and get him to sit down.]

Mm, maybe later. You look like you could use some quiet time yourself. But right now you need to let me take care of you for a change.

[He uses one finger to lift Teddy's chin, his expression worried and earnest.]

Relax, okay? I'm not mad at you.

[Teddy had kept his eyes away even with his chin tipped up, though he meets Billy's gaze once he's reassured. And he can see it there, too; no veiled irritation, no impatience, just concern. It doesn't really stop Teddy from feeling lousy about himself, but that is, at least, one worry settled.

He lowers his head just slightly with a sheepish little smile, though he still keeps his eyes on Billy's.]

Really? Not even a little?

[Billy smiles at that, brow quirking, and tries to urge him down again. He's still kind of worried about Teddy falling over earlier, so he wants to make sure it doesn't happen.]

Yes, really. Maybe if it was just you being overprotective and ridiculous, I'd be annoyed. But I think that crystal thing is a better target for the blame here.

Eloquent name for it, "that crystal thing". I like it.

[Finally Teddy does follow Billy's little tugs, and he allows himself to flop on the couch, head leaning back against it with a quiet groan. Stupid crystal thing. That might be the main thing at fault, but he still can't help feeling like he screwed a lot of things up, even if he was able to do damage control while possessed.]

I still acted like a jerk to everyone. God, every time I even looked at them, there was this... thought in my head that kept saying I should be seeing you, not them. It wasn't so bad at first, but then it just got worse. [He lifts his hands up to twine his fingers together and press them against his forehead.] I really need to apologize to some people.

[Billy sits down with him, though he keeps to the edge of the couch, gently rubbing a hand up and down Teddy's arm. Even if he's not really in pain anymore, he's still distressed over something that wasn't entirely his fault, and Billy understands all too well how that feels after the last experiment. Teddy had been understanding and supportive with him, and he'd more than earned the same treatment.]

Well, you can start with me and worry about the rest later. I'm sure they'll understand.

[His tone and expression are both slightly teasing, hoping to cheer Teddy up with some normalcy. But if apologizing will really make Teddy feel better, he's free to do it.]

[Teddy turns his head to peek at him from under his hands, and then his eyes glance downward, to Billy's lap.

For this whole week, he didn't even think about indulging himself. It was all about doing what Billy wanted, what he thought would be most comfortable for his boyfriend, never thinking what he himself might want.

Now, the only reason he hesitates is lingering guilt, embarrassment and shame. But it doesn't last long, and soon enough, he ends up turning to flop backwards again, this time with most of his body on the couch cushions itself, but with his head pillowed in Billy's lap.

Mm... yeah. This is good. And a good spot to really give his apology, because he really does want to give it, teasing aside. He reaches up both hands to stroke Billy's face, his cheeks and temples and forehead.]

I'm really sorry. I acted like a jerk to you, too. I was overbearing, obsessive and clingy, didn't give you any time to yourself at all... didn't let you do anything for me. I was a pretty bad boyfriend. I don't know how bad it would've gotten if you hadn't saved me... More stalking? Locking you in? I don't know... I don't want to think about it, either. I treated you badly, and I'm sorry.

[And as if to return the teasing, he lets his lips quirk up a little.] Forgive me for me being Gollum and acting like you were my One Ring?

[Billy blinks in surprise at all that, momentarily taken aback. He hadn't been particularly serious, so he hadn't been asking for much of an apology, if any. As usual, Teddy goes above and beyond expectations.

He smiles musingly in response, taking Teddy's hands in his and pulling them away from his face so he can bend down and kiss his forehead without interference. God, is it ever wonderful to have his boyfriend back.]

You've redeemed yourself, Sméagol. Though as the reality-warping teleporter in the relationship I'd have loved to see you try to lock me in.

[That smile grows a little thanks to the kiss and Billy's words, and just the fact that he is worried, but not wanting to get away, not blaming Teddy for any of it. He feels a little more forgiven, at least; he'll probably have to see his friends to really feel more at peace.

For now though, he pulls his hands away from Billy's if only to wiggle his fingers against his chest, as if trying to tickle him in a not-quite-so ticklish spot.]

Sméagol must keep the precious safe from thieving Bagginses! [While he does lower his voice and make it a bit rougher, he doesn't even try to make it sound like Gollum. Why would he want to mimic and unattractive voice like that?]

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