kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

[It's the reason why Teddy's talking to him and not just holding Billy quietly; he knows that he needs to hear his voice. Even if it's just words, murmured ones of comfort and nonsense, it's enough. After the war, this had happened a few times, and though Teddy still feels like he doesn't know what to do when this happens, he's done his best, and he's learned.

And he mentally clings to all of this, too. Feeling Billy in his arms and not seeing him trapped, knowing that his reactions are only coming from memories and not seeing his face twist in pain from the slow, slow way that madman pierced the devices through his ears. Teddy's holding him, not straining with all of his might against his own bonds and feeling absolutely helpless and useless. The sobs he hears is from the memories and not from pain, the chanting is to reassure himself and not to desperately make the warden stop, stop the cutting and slicing and over and over and over -

They're okay. We're okay.]

It's okay, it's okay... B, what happened? Can you tell me? I'm here.

Edited 2012-09-30 08:51 (UTC)

[It takes a while, but eventually Billy tilts his head to the side in order to respond in a way that isn't muffle-speak, his voice hoarse and tremulous.]

You saw, right? What... what happened to Hawkeye? On the journal...

[He'd run off so quickly to help without even talking to Teddy, and after returning home for a quick shower, he'd gone right from there to meet with Jane. He has no idea what Teddy even knows about the situation.]

... Yeah. With Loki.

[Teddy's voice is steady, even though his eyes glare at the wall beyond them.

Hawkeye acted, that was obvious enough with Loki's message and the genuine anger in his eyes. Teddy isn't certain why he did it, but he does know that it was a stupid move. To go after a god. No matter what Loki said, he knows that Steve and Tony weren't involved.

But the wounds he saw on Hawkeye nearly made Teddy sick, and the now invisible scars on his stomach just ended up aching again. He'd gone to the scene, saw all the blood, but no injured hero. Clint was already being tended to, and once Teddy got back and had Billy arrive a few minutes later, covered in blood and mumbling about Hawkeye, Teddy knew that Billy had helped in that.

Beating someone half to death like that? Just for a warning? No matter what they do to you, it's utterly wrong to Teddy, especially if the abuser is overpowered. No one deserves that kind of pain, no one deserves to sit weakly and wonder if they're going to die. The only possible thing that Teddy could give credit for was that Loki at least showed them where to find Hawkeye. Everything else? It was wrong and sick.

This isn't about what he thinks, though. Teddy quietly tucks it away, softens his gaze as his cheek passes over those black strands of hair, and moves his hand to brush his fingers over Billy's cheek.]

You went somewhere after that.

[Billy nods, fingers tightening in the back of Teddy's shirt again, inhaling deeply, indulging in the scent of the material. Smells like Teddy. Not blood, not blood, not blood...]

Jane called. She wanted back-up... so she could visit him. Loki.

[Stupid. So, so stupid. And stupid of him to go with her. But he went anyway; what other choice had there been? It's not like he could have let her go alone, no matter how illogical it would have been for Loki to hurt her, too. He tries to laugh, then, and the sound comes out more like a sob, so he clamps his mouth shut tightly, nails scraping gently against Teddy's back.]

Learned something new. I can turn invisible now.

[Focus on the good. New spell, no one got hurt, he's safe, Teddy's safe, no blood-]

[Teddy's fingers move from Billy's cheek to his shoulder upon hearing that Jane went to visit Loki. It says everything for him: "Why? Why did she do that? That's stupid." He can at least understand with Billy; better to go with her than to refuse and let her go alone.

But he just waits, and he lets Billy talk. He even smiles a little at the end, and he moves his hand back to Billy's cheek, to swipe his thumb across his cheekbone.]

Awesome. You'll have to show me sometime. [...] And not by peeking in the shower.

[Give Billy a bit of humor, something good to focus on. And Teddy is genuinely impressed that he learned such a thing: it's cool. If the situation wasn't the way it was, he'd be much more excited about it.

After a moment to let the humor wear away, though, Teddy looks off at the wall again. His next words are lower in his throat, a tone he'd use when asking about Kessler, or who gave Billy a black eye, or...]

Did Loki do something to either of you?

No.

[His response is immediate, without any pause or pretense; it's honest, of course, but hasty because the last thing he wants is for Teddy to get involved with Loki, too. He can't deal with that kind of fear right now.]

We just... talked. Or they talked. I listened. But he... he knew I was there. He looked right at me.

[It's disappointing, admittedly. He'd really wanted the spell to work. Not just to avoid Loki knowing he was being spied on, or that Billy had gotten involved. He had really wanted to see how the talk went with just Jane. To know what Loki would do if she had gone alone. With Loki knowing... what did it even accomplish?]

[So Loki saw Billy. He knew.

...

The fingers on Billy's cheek halts, and the hand below his wings slowly clenches into a fist while the muscles in his arms grow.

It's not anger. No, it's fear. He saw him.]

Is that all he did?

Yeah.

[And in retrospect, his reaction seems a lot more severe than it ought to be; he's seen worse, heard worse. Experienced worse. But he can't change how his body reacts, how the memories tear through his mental barriers and leave him- well, leave him like this. He feels so pathetic, but it won't stop his shaking, or the fact that when they fall into silence some small part of his mind is wondering where is my voice, can I cast, can I fight, is Teddy safe?]

He didn't... he didn't do anything. Not to us. But she- she said- she wanted him to get angry, because it got him talking, like that was worth the risk- like she was the one who had to do it, and I-

[I saw blades and smelled blood and heard screaming and everything stopped-]

I-I saw her end up like Hawkeye, and then I remembered Hawkeye, and then I remembered you, and then I couldn't- I-I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even think, I...

[He trails off, the words escaping him, and he buries his face against Teddy's shirt again, fighting against another rising panic. They're safe now, he doesn't need to be reacting like this. Teddy's okay. He's not hurt. He's here. We're okay.

But his heart's pounding like crazy and his lungs keep forgetting how to breathe and dammit, dammit-]

[She wanted him angry? Why -

Not important. Not when Billy's reliving those nightmares, when he's clinging tightly and breathing hard and he's sure his heart is hammering.

He'd looked up symptoms like that, just to get an idea of what to do. Teddy is no psychiatrist like Mrs. Kaplan, he's no doctor or anything, and he can't just diagnose things that he doesn't have a clue about. But he'd looked up whatever he could and tried to find out what he could possibly do.

So whatever fear he's feeling, he turns it into a strength, just like he would for a battle. And he takes Billy in his arms again, tucking the teen against him, before he slowly gets down into a kneel and pulls Billy with him, keeping his voice quiet and patient and reassuring.]

Billy, it's okay. I'm right here. Breathe. Focus on breathing - Focus on me.

[Teddy moves one of his hands to gently press his palm against Billy's stomach.]

Breathe here, with me: [He takes in a deep breath through the diaphragm, holds it for five seconds, then slowly lets it out.] Just like that. You can do it, breathe with me.

[Billy's gaze darts up to focus on Teddy as requested, surprise cracking through his mask, mingling with the guilt that's already starting to replace it. Teddy- he's so good at keeping it together, but of course he has his own problems, and here he is reminding them both of that awful day-

He has to force himself to stop thinking on that path as well, though, at least for the moment; Teddy's working on getting him calm, and he's just going to make it worse. Breathe. Relax. Remember how to speak clearly. Then work on Teddy.

The pressure on his stomach is surprisingly effective, and Billy slowly draws one of his own hands away from Teddy's back to press it over the blond's fingers instead, feeling the rise and fall of each breath as he remembers to take them. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. In, out. It's easy. He knows this.]

S... sorry... this is so stupid...

Hey, hey. Don't talk like that.

[That's it, keep breathing. Teddy takes in a couple more of those breaths of his own, before he keeps talking, the hand not busy helping Billy concentrate soothing up and down the mage's back.]

If it's bothering you like this, then it's not stupid. This isn't something anyone can control.

[Billy scoffs very quietly, tilting his head forward just enough to bump it against Teddy's, closing his eyes and just resting like that for a while. Nothing soothes him like the presence and the touch of his boyfriend, gentle and supportive and loving, and he knows that he can help Teddy the same way. It's not much, but it's something, right?]

I guess I.. don't feel much like a hero right now, that's all. I just ran away...

[Teddy lowers his own head, enough for him to brush his nose against Billy's hair and shuts his own eyes. He wishes he could help more; do more research into this, get a surefire way to help him without throwing some stupid medical diagnosis at him even though Teddy's sure he's right, work through it together. But he's doing his best with the knowledge he has, and he just hopes it's helping his boyfriend at least a little. He hadn't always learned how to do those breathing exercises, after all.]

I'm sure all those heroes who've run away before all felt the same way. But you know what? They're there to fight and save the world again. Just like how I know you'll be able to.

...Mm.

[Billy's response is noncommittal, but he doesn't argue against it, either. His fingers curl almost possessively in Teddy's shirt again, and he pitches forward after a long moment, burying his face in the space between the blond's shoulder and neck. He's okay, really- and if he's not, he will be in time. He just needs to be close to Teddy right now, and it'll take a while before he's ready to move away.]

I'll have to... apologize to her. Later, I mean.

[She'd looked so worried, but he couldn't stay there. Hard to explain yourself when your throat's closing up and you feel like you're ready to burst.]

Yeah, you do. Later. Right now, let me take care of you.

[Teddy slides his hand down to the small of Billy's back, still under his shirt, so that he can touch the skin, and moves the other from his diaphragm up to his unruly black hair, to stroke the strands slowly.. He rests his head against Billy's for a long moment, just making small circles in his back and keeping his eyes shut, and then he opens them when a thought comes to his mind.]

Can I show you something? We don't have to get up for it.

Edited 2012-10-03 05:50 (UTC)

[Teddy's words make Billy look up, brows furrowed, but his expression visibly questioning. At a time like this, what could Teddy possibly want to show him?]

What is it...?

Here, back up just a little...

[Teddy leans back, hands withdrawing from Billy to just rest in his lap at first. He'll at least give an explanation before doing this, just for reassurance.]

I noticed this a few days ago. I was going to wait until we were making out and stuff to show you, but now seems like the best time. Trust me, okay?

[With that, Teddy moves his hands back to take the hem of his shirt, then lift it up and arch his back to slide his shirt off in one smooth motion, revealing his upper body. After that, he leans back on his hands and just gives an affectionate smile, waiting for Billy to notice what he's talking about.]

[It doesn't take long for it to click, for Billy to see exactly what Teddy's trying to show him. He's given enough of his attention to that particular part of Teddy's body - for more reasons than merely intimacy - to know it better than any other, besides his face. He knows every curve, every contour, every muscle. Every scar.

Now, though? There are no scars. And Billy feels more than hears the choked noise that escapes his lips then, and he reaches out almost desperately to brush his hands over the exposed skin, shoulders shaking a little. Oh god, he is so going to start crying again.

This time, though... he's happy. He's so, so happy. They're gone. No leftover wounds from that horrible day, no shift in texture of the skin when he touches it. No tiny lines to remind them of what they'd gone through every time there's a mirror nearby.

It feels like... real freedom, in a way. A release.]

[That smile of Teddy's grows into something warm and happy when Billy notices. Yes, he had noticed the fact that his stomach no longer held any scars just recently; he'd run his hand over his stomach after staring at the mirror, felt nothing but the smooth texture of skin and muscle, and nearly cried himself right there.

Every single time he saw them, he'd remember the knife, the saw, the blade, the screams, the blood, and now... it really is like freedom. There's still the scars on Billy's ears, ones that will likely never completely fade from view. Teddy will look at them and be reminded of that awful day, of the instruments they used on Billy, the way he cried out and the Warden enjoyed it -

But this isn't about that. This is a step towards the freedom they've both been seeking.

With Billy's hands on his stomach, Teddy reclines, moving his wings under him so that he can lie on them properly. He's on his back now, still smiling so much, yet staying quiet.

He already had his moment. It's Billy's time, now.]

[Billy leans in to follow him down, shifting his hands to slide Teddy's shirt further up to get a full view. He spends a long moment just staring at his stomach, exploring every fraction of an inch of the exposed skin to make sure that it's just as flawless as it had been since the day they'd met. His hands are still stroking over Teddy's skin, thumbs brushing back and forth and marveling at how smooth it is. It's beautiful. Beautiful and perfect.

Satisfied that no scars remain, Billy finally gives in to the urge he'd felt for a while now: he bows his head to kiss Teddy's stomach, pressing his forehead against bare skin, and just goes ahead and lets himself cry again.

Happy, though. He's happy.]

[Teddy always felt a surge of discomfort when Billy would touch his stomach like that. The mage was always gentle, yes, making sure to never use his nails or to brush his teeth against it. But Teddy couldn't help it; his stomach would turn, as if reacting to pressure against it and his throat would burn and -

"Stop it, please, stop it!! You're killing him! Teddy, Teddy!!"

However, they'd spent a while trying to get used to the other's touch. It's all right, now. That kiss, the touch of the forehead, the tears that gather and travel along the lines of his abdomen; if Teddy had to be honest, it still felt like Billy was touching skin that was all too sensitive.

But... he's happy, too. He's so happy to share this with Billy, to see his boyfriend react like this. To see him so happy, to feel it in return...

Teddy moves his hands to thread his fingers into Billy's hair, as if to hold him and keep him there, to hold and cherish him. This is something the both of them could use.]

[He doesn't linger on it; he knows, from the past, how sensitive Teddy is about it, much like Billy himself is about his ears sometimes. Teddy respects and understands that fear of being touched, and the least Billy can do is treat his sensitivity with the same respect. He slides upwards, scrubbing one hand across his eyes and bending down to kiss him, briefly, before burying his face right back against Teddy's neck and more or less draping himself over the blond's body, holding him close, right there on the floor. His trembling is starting to still, relaxing bit by bit, and he feels more like himself again with each passing moment.

The memories are still there; maybe they always will be. But Teddy's the one who always knows how to chase them away.]

Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

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[action, sept 25th] JHSJDFHF QUOTE...