kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

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I'm. [She swallows around the raspiness and rising lump in her throat.] I'm not- dependable. [A few tears escape a very tenuous hold on the whole thing starting all over again. Don't let it happen, Teddy. She knows how she sounds and how she's corrected him for less.]

[Where in the world did she get this idea from? Something from the draft, or just now? Or when she started crying? Or when she fainted?

Either way, Teddy can't let a thought like that go on. He lifts one hand to brush a few tears away, a little smile coming up on his lips.]

Hey, come on. Who talked to me when I was doubting everything about me? Who tracked me down during that time when all our memories got messed with, and wasn't scared of me even when I was scared of myself? Who's the person I went to when I had to tell someone, anyone that I wanted to ask my boyfriend to marry me?

[With his hand near her cheek, he uses that to brush some of her hair back.]

That was all you, Mia. You're one of the most dependable of all the friends I have.

[She almost laughs, at the absurdity of this whole thing; where was that Teddy and his uncertain footing in the world, and who brought in this replacement confident one? (She tells him from time to time that he has this sort of thing in him and never thinks he believes her.)]

If people...can't trust my decisions- my s-stability. [The strain of all that crying and no sleep is resolving itself into a profound headache, one that throbs almost out loud in time with her racing heart.] Then I've failed in my duties.

[He frowns a little; if this were the other way around, if he were saying this to Mia, would she think he was being absurd too? Because he kind of feels that way, and it hurts to see it.]

Mia... breaking down over a horrible war that killed a lot of people doesn't mean that you're... unstable. It shows that you're human, just like the rest of us. And... [He gives another little smile.] You're talking to me like you're just a healer to everyone, but you're not. You're a person, you're one of my closest friends. Having a good cry doesn't mean I'm not going to trust you with everything I've got anymore.

[Listening to what he says, thinking through answers, calms her down a little more. She still has little breathing hiccups every so often, but she is unlikely to cry again any time soon.]

I know all of those things, I promise I know them, but when things like this happen... [She can't just fall apart all the time. It is perfectly fine for anyone else to do it, though, if they need to, and she knows the double standard doesn't seem fair but it comes with the job. Mia closes her eyes and puts one hand over them, lowering her head. She can feel her words slurring at the edges, slowed from fainting and exhaustion, and trying to make herself understood when her thoughts are just as slurred is like trudging up a mountain. If Teddy offers even the slightest inclination that it will be okay to do so, Mia will lean right back into him.]

Things like what? War? Seeing people die in front of you? Crying because of it?

[Teddy lets out a small sigh as he wraps an arm around her shoulder to pull her to him again. It's definitely okay for her to lean on him; in fact, he's encouraging it. It's tempting to relate, to say that people died on his watch too... but he knows she'd try to turn it around and talk him through it instead, and right now, this isn't about him.]

It's okay to cry. God knows I'm bad at remembering it, too. Doctors can cry, healers can cry. It's a good way to let everyone else know they're not... desensitized or whatever to it. And themselves, too.

Most of all? It's okay to cry in front of me. I'm not gonna think less of you just because you showed me something that makes you feel... I don't know, inadequate. Because you're definitely adequate, and more than that, to me.

Edited 2014-06-27 01:10 (UTC)

[Mia cannot remember the last time she felt so...comforted. It has been a while, an impossibly long while. The snowy fog in her head continues to clear, a bit faster with each minute that passes. Opening and closing her hands as the last of the pins-and-needles feeling disappears, Mia finally lifts her head again. She does not wear a smile, but she looks relieved enough that it might almost be one.]

We're not supposed to cry in front of people, because they depend on us to believe everything will be all right. To not worry and not be afraid. When that bomb went off- [In her mind, one hand reaches to grasp someone's shirt, tight, while she whispers how sorry she is and holds her breath; in the present, that breath hitches, and the echo of nothingness makes her shiver.] I didn't know what to do afterward. I have never been so afraid, even when we were going to face Alex.

[Her voice catches on a dry and worn throat, but after a solid cough she shakes her head.] Maybe I have forgotten...how to be a friend, like this.

[At first, Teddy looks like he's caught on something she said. Bomb? What was this about a bomb? Billy never told him...

... He'll ask her later. He puts a smile on instead, small yet warm, and gently places her palm against the top of her head.]

I think you've just been stuck in healer mode all this time. We're not in on the battlefield anymore... It's okay to be in friend mode now.

Hm. [Maybe. Is it possible to remain "stuck in healer mode" for...over a year, in pieces? Maybe.]

There are still so many people hurting, Teddy. I can't let them go any more than I can stop caring about you. [Mia pushes away enough to really look at him, finally considering what she must look like and trying to wipe her face enough with one hand.] Am I allowed to say I'm proud of you now?

[He's not sure if she should be proud. But he'll take it anyway, and... it does mean a lot, hearing her say that. So his smile grows a little, and he nods once.]

Yeah... sorry. Wasn't trying to deny you permission or anything. [He tilts his head a little, one eyebrow raised.] I'm proud of you too, you know.

Whatever for?

[Look at me, she seems to say, look at her and the state she's in and how awful she is being to herself.]

I know just as well as anyone how hard it is to... let go like that in front of someone. Not just getting things off your chest, but letting go of your... I don't know, defenses?

[He gives her hair a ruffle, though he knows that her hair isn't exactly the ruffling kind.] Took me a while to get that doing that can actually make you feel a little better.

[When she arrived at the apartment her hair was braided down; she imagines it looks much more disheveled now, especially after a friendly ruffling.]

I already know it makes you feel better and it's still quite hard to actually do it. [Pushing a piece of said disheveled hair out of her face, Mia looks at her hands and their gentle tremor, then the door.] I should go, before I wake Billy or- or take up too much of your time, but I think you'll argue with me about that one.

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Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]

[action, May 29]