kukkijar | Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

Yes, for a little while.

[As they become better friends, Teddy seems more and more ready to hide the way he's feeling from her. Like that fading but false smile.]

If the patients were as eager to stay here as you are, we'd have an easier time all around.

[It's just that this smile is hard to keep up. It's not quite his usual false smile, but one that he hadn't used for two years. The smile that he knew would win people over, copied from magazines that depicted the most perfect expressions from movie stars and singers alike. It was easy, seeing just what they did to make themselves perfect for the camera, and it was a go-to when Teddy wanted someone to look at him.

But it's been so long that it just feels wrong. Especially with Mia. Especially considering how his discomfort is affecting him, when back then, he could keep it up in the face of anything.]

Ha ha, well... I'm not really a patient anymore. Everything's healed up, and I'm feeling a lot better. [It's all Billy now. And speaking of him, Teddy realizes that he still hasn't answered her offer, so he looks down at the floor, at his shoes.] Just for a little while, right?

You weren't really a patient to begin with, actually. [There was no shuffling of paperwork and no one would have been able to make him stay.] Not, ah, in the technical way.

[Even when he looks down like that, she can get into his visual range if she moves close enough. Her smile is gentle and her eyes are very serious.]

You know I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think it would help, but it is your choice, Teddy. Will you trust me?

[Mia is very capable of a sweet and gentle guilt trip, and she isn't using it on him. The only certainty in this afternoon is that he will eat, one way or another.]

Yeah, I do.

[He doesn't hesitate there; Mia has a lot of his trust. It's just - Billy... He knows Billy relaxes with Teddy here. And he's been so worried, especially since the day Billy woke up, when he - when -

Teddy, if I... if something happens... you have to stop me. You have to promise. If I go bad...

Just- put a bullet to me- bullet in the brainpan, squish-

Sorry... that wasn't funny.

Billy told him that he wouldn't, but Teddy still can't help worrying. What would happen if he wasn't there to be a reminder for Billy? What if...

God, but it's been so hard. The walls feel like they're closing in, and it feels like he hasn't seen daylight weeks. And it's even worse when he's in the room with Billy, when his boyfriend barely speaks or does so in an eerie sort of way, all reminders that he's not really there.

He purses his lips as if he's fighting back an emotion, just for a second, before a shift takes over and makes it seem like that emotion was never there.]

Okay... Okay. Lunch date... I'd like that.

[There's a moment there, when Teddy lets on that he's fragile about something, and then it's gone. The "yes" is enough. It's a far cry from his fit about the very idea of staying out of sight of Billy for more than an hour.]

Me, too. Do you feel like any particular kind of food?

[Sometimes, he gets that chicken-and-sauce thing. She tried it once and found it...not her favorite.]

Not really... Whatever you want. I'll eat anything.

[Teddy's already moving, placing a hand on her shoulder as he passes her. Now that it's set in stone that he's going, he'd rather get out and get back sooner than later.

And maybe, a small part of his mind insists, he just wants to stop suffocating as soon as possible.]

I can hardly choose your meal for you.

[She turns with his hand, a little surprised at his nonverbal insistence on going all of a sudden.]

You know, I came to see him yesterday. He seems all right, underneath all the aching.

[You probably caught him on a good day.

He keeps the thought to himself though, not wanting Mia to worry more than she has to. Instead, he brings up a little smile again, falling into a walk beside her.]

He's better than he was when he woke up. [Any day where Billy doesn't spout off about wanting to disappear and let people kill him is a good day.] What all did he say?

[It is her job to worry.]

He said...one of the things he said, is that magic like his can't create a person. Not a real one.

[Something she knows Teddy is struggling around. It was so good to hear Billy say that, to have it confirmed even a little bit that he knew his 'created' Teddy wasn't real.]

Huh...

[He doesn't seem as happy about the revelation as she might expect. Just pondering, like he learned something new.]

I kind of figured. Without a soul, the person can't do a lot of things that real people can. It's the idea of the person that he can make. But even that won't hold up in the real world.

[The idea is what's bothering him. Billy's ideal boyfriend, one that looks a lot like Teddy but acts quieter, stronger, someone much more solid than the broken Teddy who stood up to him. Desirable enough to be willing to watch and claim it was better when the idea tried suffocating him to death.

You're not good enough, you were never good enough, you never will be good enough.]

[It isn't the reaction she expected, but at the same time she knows that he will only find peace in answers from Billy directly. Someday. It is a gift she cannot give him on her own.]

He also said that you told him using his powers now would hurt him. [In front of her, at least, he'd listened.]

Did he?

[He wonders how Billy sounded when he said that. Was he spiteful? Was he itching to use his powers, only holding back because Teddy told him not to? Was he blaming Teddy for it?

It almost seems more welcome than the shell he wrapped himself in, despondent to everything Teddy would tell him.]

... He tried using it when he woke up. To make whatever's in his head go away. When I stopped him, his nose started bleeding. That happens when he's used too much.

And... Mia, you've seen his eyes, right? He said... there's something in his head. Like there's something possessing him. You know what happened last time he used his magic with that thing in control. [Certain residents of the village can attest to that.]

He himself said it wasn't safe. I just repeated it to him. I don't think it's safe right now, for him or anyone else. Only right now.

[There's the door. He sees the sunlight, and it already feels like he's coming back to life a little.]

Yes, he sounded like he knew all those things. [He even pointed his eyes out specifically.] And that it grounded him to have someone else say it with certainty.

[Maybe she suspects Teddy's self-directed attack inquiry; maybe she doesn't.]

You know how to help him better than anyone else here.

[Teddy purses his lips together at that, though he doesn't answer until he's outside. At last, he relaxes, eyes closing and taking in a deep breath. Teddy's not a nature person. He's a city boy through and through, and he's still not used to the utter slowness of Luceti. Often, he has to slow down his walking speed just to let others keep up, and he'll never get used to just how small and spacious everything is. Being outside like this usually never did anything for him except be too quiet and, occasionally, be kind of beautiful.

Right now, though, it's like he just stepped into a paradise. The walls aren't closing in on him anymore, the suffocation of Billy's silence and lack of answers is clearing up. He can feel the stress ooze out of him in that instant.

... And then, when he takes in another breath, it slowly comes back. His shoulders hunch, he opens his eyes, and he stuffs his hands into his jacket, head low as Mia's words come back to him.

You know how to help him better than anyone else here.]

... Actually? I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never done anything like this before... I don't know anything about magic. I don't know what really happened during that whole week. I don't know about - possession or how that affects him.

[He rubs at his forehead, then scrubs his hand through his hair.] He barely talks to me... I never know what to say, and every time I do, it's like - like he doesn't even hear me.

[For that moment he looked so much better; Mia feels a twinge in her heart when he closes down again and speaks, knowing she is part of the cause.]

You don't have to know any of those things to be good for a person. [At least she's sure of one thing.] He hears you. I know it.

[And now, she decides, it is time to shut her stress-causing mouth and just let him talk if he wishes, while they walk toward Seventh Heaven.]

You really think so?

[It's phrased bitterly, as if he knows the answer already, and it's not the hopeful one he'd yearned for the first day or two he was with Billy. Mia had only visited a few times. She hadn't been there for hours with him, she hadn't tried talking to him only to receive nothing, not even a twitch or a sway, in response. He didn't look at her like she wasn't even there. He didn't look at her like she was completely unimportant.

It certainly doesn't help Teddy's doubts. Especially when his eyes automatically shift, as if realizing that he looks the same as always, same old plain dumb looking Teddy who wasn't ever good enough. They're grey now, a sort of mix of grey and blue, really. He barely realizes he did it.]

You remember what I told you, how I didn't always look like this? Before I had the idea to make myself look like that... There were days where I'd never say a word. No one bothered... No one wanted to talk to me. It was my fault too; I spent most of my time trying to figure out what people wanted than socializing. Not to mention my... thing. [His strength, how he'd get a cut on the playground and then heal from it, the way he'd shift without noticing, making kids afraid of him, or plain weirded out for reasons he never realized until just a few years earlier.] Mom was the only friend I had for a while.

[The blue in his eyes shifts out entirely, leaving only grey, when he thinks of her. God, he misses her so much...]

It's starting to feel like that again. Talking and not getting an answer or - or anything... it just - it sucks, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what he wants...

[This is a knotted-up mess inside of him, isn't it? Gently, Mia reaches one hand to hold his elbow, unable to do much else with his hands so far inside his coat pockets.]

It's hard, when something awful happens to someone you care a lot about, and you have to wait for them to be well enough to talk or argue or understand. Both of you...feel like you're all alone. Waiting does that, too.

[Though she often gives herself the impression that she talks too much at Teddy, the desire to help him feel better usually wins out.]

Billy is recovering, and he'll get better. Eventually, he'll recover enough to be able to tell you what he wants. [Her other hand joins the first, encircling Teddy's arm almost completely.] And it will matter a great deal that you were there when he needed you and couldn't ask.

[At least she's touching his arm and not his shoulders, or his stomach. That's a touch Teddy can live with now, and he rather appreciates it, too. Even if he still keeps his eyes on the ground, lips pursed as she speaks.]

I don't know... sometimes it seems like he's pushing me away more than anything.

[He comes to a halt just then, and he reaches his free hand up to press Mia's to his arm, as if to keep her there.]

Mia, when he woke up, he... Billy said that he wished someone would kill him. He wanted me to if things got bad. And he didn't... seem all that sorry when I called him out on it.

[The grey in his eyes looks positively stormy now, that same color with a murky white and darker shades as well, like he can't stop himself from showing how much this distresses him, if the rest of his face doesn't say so for him.]

He promised he wouldn't do anything, but... Mia, if I can't be there to watch him for whatever reason, could you help me? Even if he promised, I don't think he'll stop anyone if they want... revenge, or make him try magic again, or something. Please, Mia... he's... [He's all I have left.]

[Something in her eyes darkens to match; anyone entering the clinic with revenge or force in mind would have another thing coming entirely.

She knows what he means, though.]

Of course I will help you. [More than helping him watch Billy. They both matter a lot to her.

Other words fight their way to the surface and she sends them away again. That might be all Teddy needs to hear.]

[Teddy's shoulders relax slightly, even though there's still some tension in them. He hasn't been able to relax for weeks now, really. But this... This is some good news. That he won't be alone in watching Billy... That someone else knows just how low in self-worth Billy is, enough that he wishes someone would kill him. And that someone will be with him when he can't.]

Thanks... really, thanks. I can't spend every moment of my life there... [He kind of wants to. But he knows that he'd go insane if he did that.] I need to... figure things out, too.

Yes, you do, and both of you might need some time away from each other to sort yourselves. [She's seen it from Teddy and Billy in equal measure: they can't think straight while the other is in a position to, maybe, judge them.]

Teddy Altman ; APPOINTMENTS

[October 18, Action]

[October 18, Action]

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