kukkijar | Luke fon Fabre; Appointments

[He inhales deeply, letting that breath out in a quiet, bitter laugh.]

You know that's probably not the best idea.

[He broke a trust he shouldn't have had in the first place, after all. He wasn't guaranteed that it couldn't happen again. Not like he previously thought.]

[He's quiet for a moment as he stares at the wall. Luke had been hoping to face this with a straight back and a determined frown, to be absolutely sure of how Guy felt about all this, about him.

But he isn't, and he's scared of what it means. So, his hand stays gripped in the pillow, and he shuts his eyes, pressing his lips together briefly before speaking up.]

Do you want me to go away?

["Do you hate me?"]

I don't want you making a rash decision.

I can't promise you safety. I can't promise these damn scientists won't do this again. [As much as that stung to think about. As much as he wanted to deny it.

His voice creeps into an eerily lighthearted tone. Almost forced in how it sounds]

Better off to be with someone you know you can trust, you know?

[It's not a "yes". That's the main thing Luke focuses on.

He opens his eyes a little and lets out a sigh, a puff of one through his lips. Then, with a deep breath, he moves to push himself up. This always hurts, but - he shifts his elbow under him, pushes - wince himself to - cringe - a sitting position, then lets out that breath in another sigh, this one more tired than anything.]

I - [Ow, his voice sounds strained. He'll just give himself a second before he tries again.] I still trust you just as much as I did before. This... wasn't your fault, either. Not all of it. Maybe some of it was, but... Blaming you for this is like blaming a weapon that someone used.

[There's another pause, because that sounds eerily like himself. But let's not dwell on that.]

Maybe you can't promise me that stuff, but I still trust you. [More than he trusts a lot of people.]

A weapon, huh?

[He has to hold back another laugh, pressing it behind a bitter attempt at a smile. Luke, there was no way we were going down that train of thought. Not a chance.]

That's not quite how it works. You know that.

... Ion told me, you know.

[He leans forward just slightly, to let his right hand hang between his knees. If he had use of his left hand, he'd be holding them together in thought. But as it is, all he can do is lightly curl his right into a fist.]

The curse slot brings up memories and feelings of the past, and it paralyzes rational thought. You were stuck at the point where you hated me and... the both of us so much that you wanted to kill us. And the only one who can control it is someone with the powers of a Fon Master.

[He frowns down at the floor.] I don't see how you not being able to control anything you're doing puts most of the fault on you.

[Akzeriuth again. Ha.]

[The grip on his wrist tightens painfully.]

But it didn't need to happen in the first place - it shouldn't have happened.

[His jaw tightens, letting the snap that had just crept into his voice work its way back out.]

Especially not this time.

This isn't like Grand Chokmah, Luke. I can't just... throw a pretty story of my past out there and pretend we can just keep going. I can't say this was just another accident.

[Because he didn't want this to just be "another accident." Because there shouldn't have been a repeat of this in the first place.

"Most" of the fault on him?

Hah.

Sounds like an understatement.]

Then don't say it was just an accident. Don't call it some pretty story.

[It's his past. It's not a pretty story, it's not even a sob story. It's a horrible past that still affected Guy deeply back in Grand Chokmah.

And it's still affecting him today.]

Back then we didn't have any time to do anything about it. [Just like how no one had time to deal with Luke when he was suffering from a deep depression.] You didn't resolve anything. You just... told your story, and that was it. Moving on doesn't work like that, you know it...

[He trails off, and he glances to the left hesitantly. He can see his shoulder in his vision, as well as Guy's back. He... doesn't want to say this, he really doesn't. But even though Guy is acting apathetic, dismissive, even darkly amused...

Luke knows better. He's his best friend.]

And it sounds like this didn't help at all.

[Guy bristles.

Yes. He was aware that moving on didn't work like that. He had been told. There was a difference between "moving on" and "forcing yourself to keep going". He kept going every day of his life.

He couldn't move on. Moving on would mean forgetting. And he couldn't bring himself to forget.

But this...?

He doesn't know what to think of this anymore. Of any of this. About Luke. About Asch. About that ache of revenge, that wrath that he thought for sure would die down with the taste of blood.

And yet... all this proved was that no amount of blood would ever be enough. Nothing would be good enough.

He didn't want to accept it. He refused. But his mind still swam in a mess of confusion, of pain, of anger; anger at himself, anger that he can't make things right even when he thinks he's trying, anger at Luke for sitting here and being the self-deprecating mess that Guy did not want to see...

...Anger that he didn't know what to do other than hide it all away again.

...

But hiding it away is, after all, what he is best at. The only pointer to his inner tension is the way he curls in on himself, just slightly - shoulders drawing in and head ducking down.

It's a long, painful moment before he talks again.]

...I don't hate you, Luke.

[He turns his head, just slightly, although he still can't bring himself to look Luke in the face.]

I don't want to hate you. I did once. You know that.

But now is different from then.

So don't ever think that.

[If the conversation were to keep going, like Luke hoped, he would say that there's a difference between moving on and forgetting. Luke knows he could never forget Akzeriuth and all of the people he killed. Forgetting that, forgetting their faces... is like killing them all over again.

But Guy draws in on himself just slightly, giving Luke everything he needed to know about what Guy thought of it.

Luke was right. This really didn't help. Guy was confused and frustrated and angry. He got his revenge and it didn't help one bit.

Revenge never helps. Luke could never understand why people think it does... He turns his head, ignoring how his left collarbone and shoulder flare in pain, and opens his mouth to speak -

But the conversation shifts, and Luke is caught by surprise. Guy doesn't hate him... And those words actually cause Luke's brows to go up and for him to turn away, lips pressed together and hand moving to hold his left arm. The slight movement makes his shoulder protest, but he doesn't care. He needs something to hold on to.

It had been what he was afraid of all this time. The fact that this happened again, even though Ion had told him the reason behind it. The fact that Guy never answered his messages, even just to tell him he's fine. The fact that Xion looked so subdued after talking to Guy; Luke was relieved that he was okay, but...

It's as if a weight has been taken off of his shoulders. But somehow, he still feels a lot like crying again.

He'd been so afraid.]

[...

The silence is, for once, unnerving. Guy makes the mistake of taking a stronger glance at Luke... and fighting back a grimace as he turns away.

This awkward attempt at an apology... it wasn't helping anything, was it...?

Hm.

...]

The offer still stands. If you want me gone, I can go.

Don't go.

[The answer is immediate, even if his voice is a little shaky. He turns his head away slightly afterwards, a little embarrassed by his own voice.]

[A short pause. A dry swallow.]

You say that even though you know this might happen again?

But... that's the thing. I know now. And - I'll be ready for it next time.

[He swallows to get that damn shakiness out of his voice. Dammit.]

That... doesn't mean I don't trust you. You're my best friend, Guy. I've always trusted you. I don't know what I am to you, but - That doesn't matter. I still want to help you with this in any way I can... if you'll let me do it.

[He takes in a breath and finally straightens up again. He's ready for Guy to say no. He doesn't need help. But... that doesn't mean Luke won't try anyway.]

[The offer for help seems to have been completely overlooked. Guy has finally raised his head enough to look at the redhead straight on, staring at Luke with a mixed, unreadable look.]

...Don't know what you are to--

[He cuts off his words with a rough scoff; a frustrated sound that was trying so hard not to be a laugh.]

You. Are. You. I told you that before, and geez, I'll tell you a million times if I have to. Until it's burnt into that thick head of yours, at least.

[His eyes soften.]

You're Luke. You're not just a Fabre. You're not just a replica, you're not trash, you're not an object. You're not just the sum of your mistakes.

You're a person. You're you, and you're my friend.

...heh.

My best friend.

[And there's that chipper smile. Or as best of an attempt as he can manage right now - it's very, very tired.]

...so don't go talking about yourself like you're worth any less than that.

Edited (so Nik fails at the English language but you already knew this!) 2012-05-25 02:27 (UTC)

[At first, Luke bristles. This isn't what he wanted to talk about. He's heard this a million times and it never helps, it never gets any better. It's easy for someone to say that about him, but to believe in it himself? Even after gaining more confidence in himself, it's still hard. Especially now.

Plus, this conversation shouldn't be about this. He told Guy he wanted to help, and that's what he wanted an answer for, not... the whole replica thing. He frowns down at the floor as a result.

But then his eyebrows raise up, his eyes widen, and his shoulder tenses.

You're you, and you're my friend.

...heh.

My best friend.

That... was mostly what Luke was afraid of. If Guy so readily attacked him, did he even think of Luke as his best friend anymore? Did he ever? It was as if everything he believed about their relationship was pushed down, and Guy not responding to any of his messages just dragged that belief through the mud despite how much Luke clung so desperately to it.

Then Guy started talking, and he was assured that he didn't hate Luke, but... that deeper question was still unanswered. Who is he to Guy? Just someone to take care of? Someone he's fond of? Someone he pities?

But no... there it was.

My best friend.

His lips press together and his hand clenches when he feels tears prick at his eyes, and then he turns, though he has to pause and cringe and grip his fingers into the sheets when his shoulder flares up. Still, he completes his trek by slowly leaning forward to rest his forehead against Guy's shoulder, and after a moment, he lets go of the sheets to grip between Guy's neck and shoulder.

He'd been so afraid...

And Guy is still his best friend. Luke is willing to do anything to help him with this... ugly mess they got pushed into. He just... wishes he could get that through Guy's thick skull.]

[...

Weight is shifted against the mattress as Guy turns. Just a little - just enough to keep Luke's head and hand on his shoulder and give himself a little more room. The hand closest to Luke raises off the bed, knuckles resting against the redhead's chest with a gentle tap of the wrist.

It was an action he'd done once before.

Back when this mess had first been a problem. When, despite what had happened, Luke had still promised to trust him, and asked Guy to trust in return.

Heh.]

...you really are an idiot.

[But his friend was the idiot, after all. Changes or messes or mistakes.]

[Luke opens his eyes once Guy taps his chest, enough to see just what his friend was doing. Indicating to the bandages around his chest and the wounds beneath them, or...

... Wait, he knows. This was... familiar. They'd done this before, when it happened on Auldrant. It wasn't nearly as bad on Auldrant, but all the same...

He lets out a quiet snort, and he moves his hand from Guy's shoulder to grip his hand instead.]

Maybe. But you are too.

[They're both idiots. But at least they know it, and at least they're still holding onto this friendship. They can make it.]

Probably.

[Guy's grip against Luke's hand strengthens, before loosening his fingers and bringing his hand up to rest on Luke's head, messing lightly with his hair.

His smile strengthens.]

Rest up. Get feeling better soon, alright?

[That's all he should be doing right now - while he's here, at least. Focus his energy on his recovery so he could get back into things as best as he could.

Guy couldn't do much else - nothing better than the healers here, for sure. It's probably why he's suddenly shifting his weight and rising to his feet. He wants to stay... but he should probably make himself scarce in case Xion decides to poke her head in again.]

[Like he'd told Tear a few days ago... Luke wasn't sure how to heal. Sure, Asch coming back would surely do that. But the first step, while he was gone now? He wasn't sure. He did seem to light up when Rapunzel told her story, but...

... Wait, was Guy leaving? After he only just got here?

Luke grips Guy's sleeve and tugs, trying to bring his best friend towards him in an action to indicate that he wants him to stay.]

Wait, don't...

[...

Guy stops, glancing at Luke's arm with slight hesitation before letting out a long sigh. He shouldn't stay. He shouldn't. He can't, in a sense. If Xion saw him here, it would just be a mess.

But he does sit down on the bed with a weary little plop, sliding his hand up to remove Luke's from his sleeve and cupping it between his own palms.]

Focus on getting yourself better, Luke. For you. For Xion. For all the people that are worried about you right now... [Another hesitation, eyes flickering slightly.] ...For Asch.

Don't go thinking of what could have been different or what should be done in the future. You're just going to waste precious energy that you don't really have. So focus on what you can do. And right now, that's you getting better.

[His fingers squeeze gently, eyes softening.] Alright?

[So he really is going to leave. At least, that's what he thinks when Guy takes his hand, so he can't look him in the eye as he speaks.

And he especially can't when he says Asch's name.

Luke had been trying so hard to just not think about it. Doing so just brings his focus to that empty feeling in his head - not just empty, gone. And him saying Asch's name...

He presses his lips together and grips Guy's hand. Why should he get better? Asch can't do it now. And it's his fault, isn't it...?

Still. He's... letting everyone else down like this. With this fog he has, it seems like the rest don't matter. But he knows they do. Guy's still his best friend. Xion's the love of his life. So many other people have visited him, wanting him to get better... And he just keeps moping.

So, he gently squeezes back.]

... Alright.

Luke fon Fabre; Appointments

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well this is going a direction I wasn't expecting. OK THEN. 8(

THAT'S WHAT RP IS ABOUT MAN

BUT I HATE SURPRISES

THEY CAN BE GOOD SOMETIMES

NOPE STILL HATE THEM. ADAPTATION IS FOR LOSERS 8(

GOTTA LEARN TO GET USED TO IT

ARE YOU CALLING ME A LOSER wow I'm so hurt

LOOOOSER

YOU. ARE SUCH A JERK. WHY ARE WE FRIENDS.

BECAUSE YOU LOOOOVE ME

....Naaaa, that can't be it. 8|a

... 8(

WHAT IS LOVE.

BABY DON'T HURT ME...

DON'T HURT ME NO MORE

WELL YOU ARE ARE HURTING ME

HURTING YOU SO MUCH YOU HAVE TO USE TWO "ARE'S" APPARENTLY

... SHUT UP

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN PAIN DOESN'T MEAN ENGLISH SHOULD LEAVE YOU, KUKKI

WHAT IT'S A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON